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Why?

Posted by ~Samantha~ , 12 October 2013 · 122 views

I find myself here in the same spot I have found myself to be in a lot the last week. Disappointed at myself and just trying to figure out what the heck is going on. But at the end of the day I still find myself asking the same questions.

-Why did my mom sell me?
-Why did those guys want to take advantage of me?
-Was the money really worth it?
-Why did my mom have to abuse me too?
-What was the end purpose of all of this?
-Why did no one ever try to help me?
-Should I have said something?
-Is it my fault that I didn't say anything?

Being a Christian I know that I should never has the question of why and what if. I know I should just rely on God and let him provide the answers. But the truth of the matter is that, while I know God loves me and cares for me. I have some anger built up at him. I am trying to work through it and I know that he could not change people's free will, but I do know that God says he is my Heavenly Father and cares. I will be honest I tell teens everyday to trust God, but there are still days where I am struggling to trust God myself.

As I a hypocrite? Am I horrible? Should I just keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself. I am just finding myself drowning with questions and insecurities. At the end of the day I don't want to hear that it is over and done with. That it is all in the past. That there is no point of asking the questions? That what ifs can't change the outcome at this point. That God is bigger. Let God work. I don't care about the christian platitudes right now. Because the truth is no matter how many times I repeat to myself all these truths they don't make all these feelings go away.

I have spent the last 10 hours digging into the word and just to do studies and while God may be a redeemer and a healer not everything makes complete sense. Can people stop making it sound so simple.

Sorry for the vent. I know I have not written in a long time, but I am finally done with the Master's Commission program I was in and am now working and as a result have more free time on my hands. I just needed to get my feet settled with things before I could come on here more frequently again. Again I'm sorry I just needed to write this out and so I came to the blog.

~Samantha~



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laurenbacall
Oct 13 2013 09:01 AM
Welcome back!

I have spent the last 10 hours digging into the word and just to do studies and while God may be a redeemer and a healer not everything makes complete sense. Can people stop making it sound so simple.


I agree with you...not everything makes sense, although God is a redeemer. My plan of action is to let God guide me to the other side of pain and suffering and then make sense of it all. There are other people who have done this and they concluded (after reasoning), "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey!" Or, "I wouldn't trade lives with anyone else!" That's all I can do.
I did read that if God lifted the free will and controlled what people do on earth, Earth would be much worse, as far as sin and destruction.
I do rely on this fact: God has power to use evil to bring out good in my life! :rainbow:

I love these two sentences:The cross is a reflection of all the evil of man. The cross is a picture of what any criminal should deserve. ==I feel deeply loved by God!== :heart:

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