I blogged about my experience concerning sexual abuse, which happened so long ago. It is not still happening, it is so long in the distant past. The man who I am pretty sure abused me is in prison for the rest of his life. I feel so disconnected, like no matter how wonderful my life gets, I will be trapped in my head with old horrors, long past. I feel like my past is a place I cannot ever leave, it stays with me. I was seeing a therapist for a long while, but as good as he was he suffered from memory problems, and was not totally with it. He is just older, and not entirely equipped to be a therapist. I switched to someone else, but she made me cry after the third visit, just sob. I felt like a badly behaved child, that needs to just get it together, sitting in her office. I felt like I had absolutely no way of functioning on the level she expected, and she did not even seem to realize how hard it was for me to there, and to talk about everything with her on the first visit.
I just feel so much pain. I am so tired of fighting this feeling of being in constant agony. I think this may partly be a side effect of a new birth control I am on. The doctor did not mention it as a side effect, and I do not mention that I tend to be depressed. I was having some serious issues, and would have taken pretty much anything to get them under control. I only have a few weeks left of these pills, and if I can just get through them, maybe I will feel less depressed. I have to keep reminding myself that part of my depression is coming from there. It is hard to fight this feeling of hopelessness, but I can keep going until the pills run out, and then see how I feel.