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***Trigger warning***Very detailed account of what happened...take care if reading

Posted by dragonfly218 , 11 September 2013 · 139 views

This is the first time I've been COMPLETELY HONEST about what happened the first time I was raped. I've shared most of this with my therapist, which felt really good. I had never written honestly about it because I was ashamed of some things that happened, I still am to a point. However, I know that it wasn't my fault. My part in all of this was getting drunk and not being completely aware of what was going on, that's it. He knew what he was doing was wrong and that I didn't want any of it. Also, being stimulated when something like this happens is not anyones fault. Our bodies respond sometimes when we don't want them to, it doesn't mean it's wanted or enjoyable. It happens. I cried a lot when writing this, but I'm glad I did. This took place when I was 19, on March 28, 2010, four days after I got to my first duty station at Kunsan AFB in South Korea. So, here it goes...please be careful while reading.

I met him a couple days before. I was getting on the elevator to go to my floor and he was with someone I knew. He said I had a nice smile. That Sunday night, my quadmates were having some friends over. He showed up around my second drink and he was already buzzed/drunk. He sat by me at the island, talking about how life is a wave you have to ride, saying I should hook up with guys if I wanted to. Then a provocative song came on and he said, "I'll show you mine". That freaked me out and I thought he was a freaking weirdo, so I went and sat where other people were playing a drinking game. He went into a quadmate's room, but after a while he came out and tried to dance on me. I was really irritated and other people told him to stop. He went back in her room, where I assumed he had passed out. I had a few more drinks and a few shots and was beyond wasted. Everyone was going out for a smoke break, so I decided I would stay on the couch and I ended up dosing off. I woke up to someone kissing me. It felt kind of nice in the state I was in and I kissed back briefly. I opened my eyes, saw it was him, and stopped immediately. I also saw another quadmate come out of her room. I said I was going to bed, went to my room, and swung the door shut. I didn't realize my door hadn't shut all the way. I layed in bed on my back and started to drift off.

I heard a noise, opened my eyes, and he was on me. I asked what he was doing and he told me to go to sleep. He was trying to kiss me and then I remember he was pulling my pants and underwear off. He was naked, I don't remember him taking his clothes off. He went down on me, which I couldn't really feel because I was so drunk and didn't know if I liked oral sex anyway (I had lost my virginity the night before, which I regreted and I wasn't experienced at all sexually). I didn't want him there but I started passing out again. I remember he was on his knees between my legs, I could feel his erection and I was terrified. For some reason I didn't think he was going to do anything, like this couldn't actually be happening right now. He entered me and the first thrust made me moan. He said, "yeah" when I did and I was mortified that I had. I wasn't stimulated at all after that. I tried to push him off, which was kind of pointless because I had no strength and he out weighed me by at least 60-80lbs. When I tried to push him off he put all his weight on me and trapped my arms between his chest and mine. I tried to push more but he was crushing me and I couldn't breathe very well. He was trying to kiss me and I was turning my head, saying, "no, I don't want to". I was crying and he kept "shushing" me or telling me to go to sleep. I could hear the music in the quad, I don't know why I didn't scream for help though. I had turned my head to the right so he couldn't kiss me, but he was kissing/breathing/slobbering all over the left side of my neck and I kept crying and saying no. Then he got off of me, came up my right side to where my head was and said, "suck my dick". I cried no, so he picked my head up off the pillow and made me. I don't know why I didn't bite him or something. That lasted for about two seconds when he probably realized it was more work to make me do it. I don't know, but he started raping me again and I kept my head turned to the right, crying, saying I didn't want to. Then he stopped after a while and said, "You want to stop after we've been fucking for two hours?!", I said yes, but he kept going anyway. After that, I "went away" and didn't feel anything. I remember wondering if it had really been two hours and I could hear everyone laughing and talking in the quad, while I was in here being raped. I also remember thinking this is nothing like the movies or the typical things I had heard about rape. My thoughts were very strange and I had stopped crying completely. Could no one hear the squeaking the bed was making? It was so loud! I couldn't believe no one heard it. Then I thought, well maybe they do hear it but think I'm having a good time in here...I was just waiting for it to be over. He said, "fuck me", so I automatically met his thrusts, but felt nothing. I was on autopilot and completely not there. He was saying he loved me and asked if I loved him, I said no. Eventually, it was over. I don't remember him ejaculating. He laid down beside me and held me. I was dead. Someone knocked on my door and he got up, put his underwear on, and answered it. I don't know who it was but he slammed the door and laid down again. They knocked again. This time he got up, answered it, and whoever it was saw me. They told him to leave and that's when he got pissed, grabbed his clothes and said, "She was sucking my dick on the couch" (I wasn't). Then EVERYONE was in my room, six people. They were all there asking what happened and I was still in the bed, covered up, feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and dirty. One guy, who was really nice, was Security Forces and he was asking me questions, if I wanted to report it. I remember he put his hand on my forehead and was talking to me in a low voice. His hand was cool and felt nice. It was just he and a quadmate in my room by then, everyone had left the quad. He left, it was just my quadmate and I in my room. She asked if I wanted it and I said no. She said we should call the S.A.R.C, but I was scared I would get in trouble and everyone would know. I asked her to leave my room. I got up, got dressed, and looked out my window for a long time. I was very detached and didn't feel any emotions at all. She knocked on my door and said she called S.A.R.C. We had to meet them at the Sonlight Inn, right next to our dorm.

We met two officers there who ran the S.A.R.C and they asked what had happened, I didn't say much, even though they were very nice. They took me to the ER where my victim advocate met me. She was nice, but I didn't want her with me. She asked if it was my first time, I said no and I was too embarrassed to tell her it was my second time. Then she went over a bunch of paperwork with me, which I didn't care about at all. The doctor saw me, checked me out, did an STD test. I said I didn't want a rape kit done. I just wanted to shower and try to sleep. My VA walked me back to my quad. I wanted to be alone so I could lay down somewhere outside in the dark and never go back. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to leave Korea and go home. She said she had to walk me back and I told her I didn't want her to go in the quad. I didn't want her to see where it happened, like she would be traumatized or something. Plus, I was embarrassed. Walking back was really bizarre, nothing felt/looked real and I was having a hard time remembering where I was. Our voices sounded far away, I didn't understand what she was saying or what I was saying. I went in the quad and my quadmate let me borrow a sleeping bag because I wanted to sleep on the floor. In my room, I stripped the bed and put everything in a trash bag to throw away, including my clothes. I went in the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and saw that the entire left side of my neck was covered with hickeys. I showered and layed down around 2am. I got up at 5am to start my first actual day of work. Another Airman was showing me how to do vehicle inspections when he saw my neck and said, "Looks like you had fun last night". I didn't say anything and cussed all men out in my head.

I stayed on that damn base for six months doing my job because it was my duty. I was supposed to be there for a year, but at six months lost it completely and tried to kill myself. My rapist lived in the same dorm and worked in the same squadron I did. One day I went to work and forgot everything I had learned and been doing everyday for the past six months. This was also the same day I reported the rape and had to talk to O.S.I for five hours before work. I'll save all of that for another entry though. It feels good to get this out.

Glad you got it out. I know it had to be difficult writing and sharing the details. Take care of yourself. You deserve some restful peace. I am sorry you came across a person like him. You should never have had to deal with this pain.
Sep 11 2013 06:12 PM
Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it. I'm so grateful we all have a place where we can share these things without judgement. Honestly, I was a little afraid to post this.
Sep 11 2013 07:32 PM
I am very sorry for what happened to you. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to report it. You are very strong. I am glad you had quadmates who cared enough about you and saw what happened. It sounds like they were supportive.

Your story strikes a nerve with me. I was raped while I served in the Navy. But I had been threatened, and I was scared, and I did not report what happened. Maybe if my shipmates had noticed and cared, I would have had the strength it takes to report rape.

Thank you for sharing your story here. I know how hard that can be. But I hope it helped. I know that when I posted my story here, it helped me.

Take gentle care of your self. You are worth it.
Sep 12 2013 10:12 AM
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It made me cry reading this, but thank you for sharing your story it must have been hard for you, I hope you feel relieved a little from sharing. I hope you're in a much better place now and I hope you are receiving the support you need and are recovering, You are very brave.

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