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62 years.

Posted by and.the.livins.eaze , 01 March 2011 · 42 views

This is the only place i feel like i can be me. I tried out for an ultimate frisbee team and i felt so alone. All the other kids just laughed and it hurt me so bad. I testified against him again for the last time yesterday. He was sentenced to 62 years in jail. It was so weird. He looked so innocent and old and fragile. He lost so much weight. I had to get on the stand and read my impact statement.

Here it is...

The common wealth verses James Costello is more than just a case to me. It is my life. Other than my dad being a dad he was my best friend. He taught me how to ride a bike, to surf, to play football and so much more. About two years ago I told authorities about what was taking place in my household. Since that time many things have happened. I learned and experienced the obstacles that would stand in my way for the rest of my life. As a senior in high school I am looking at colleges and starting to plan for my life. This is where all of my feelings changed: I realized I would have no financial support, no where to call home, no family, no one to walk me down the isle when I get married, and I wouldnít have me. Being me, I see myself as that little girl doing gymnastics around the room, eating ice cream, and laughing so hard at night I could not fall asleep. But now that is all warped. I am depressed, alone, worthless, almost failing school, struggling to wake up each day and not well. My life has been altered forever. I am stranded on an island with nowhere to go, no one to turn to, no right feelings to feel. My dad may be in prison but I feel as I am to. I have good days and bad days but the bad days overtake the good by far. I look down at my wrists and see every mark that was madeÖbecause of him. I look down at a body that I donít even call my own. And I go through life completely dead inside. Pills control my actions at night but he still controls my mind. I fear going to bed because all that rests is his soul, mine is still running from his hands and his presents. My memories are bad and the ones that were once good are turning into nightmares. Others look at me with confidence and strength but he has ruined it all. I have no self-worth, no trust, no beauty. I long to trust but the wall he has built blocks that all. My reflexes defend all, even when I want what it is. I scare away love because I donít know what love is. I look in the mirror and see nothing. Then I look at the world and see so much but then donít care to make it there. He has turned all I once knew against me and made me realize I was adopted for sex. I want to win this round but somehow he always wins. Now this is my chance to win and I will not turn it down. He once was a best friend, a dad, a hero but now he is the man turning my life upside down. He is the man who has ruined our family. He is the man who has torn me down. He is the man who hurt those innocent children. He is the man who is guilty.

I feel so weird today i feel so lost. I was fine but then going to the ultimate practice really knocked me down. i am tired of life and i dont know where to go from here. im tired of hearing people say your strong blah blah blah but it pisses me off so fucking much when i hear it! its like please shut up i dont want to hear it.

im lost.
i feel dead.
i hate who i am.
62 years.
falling apart.

I completely understand how you feel. My older brother raped me for years. My entire family looks at him as though he is the greatest thing to ever walk on earth. They know i was raped but not by who. My brother is at a great college and just got married and now working on his masters degree. He does so many great things and I'm barley making it through my first year of college. I'm depressed, I hate who I am, and I feel lost and alone all the time. I wish I could speak up and tell them he's not as great as they think he is but at the same time how would they believe me. I'm the one who lies and fails at everything. My friends think I'm so strong but they have no idea that it rips me apart everyday. Don't feel alone because a lot of us feel the exact same way as you. Just know that through this website you'll have people you can talk to and lean on and nobody here will judge you. You ARE a strong person and putting a guilty man behind bars was the right thing to do. I wish I had as much courage as you to do that but to tell my family the truth would only destroy everyone and I just can't do that. You're not alone. Ever.
Mar 01 2011 11:48 PM
This made me feel so much. You are a very powerful writer.

I barely knew my attacker and I could barely summon the strength to tell my bestfriend what happen. I can not imagine how excruciating it must be to testify against someone who is so close to you.

I am so sorry you went through all this, and are feeling so hollow and confused now.
I don't know what to say. I just hope you find something within yourself that gives you the healing you deserve.

safe hugs, :hug:
Mar 02 2011 11:06 AM
You have so much courage and strength in you, much more than you think so. I don't know what to say to help you feel better, but I hear you and I wish I could take all the pain away and make life better for you. Please keep reaching out, we care and you're never alone.

Safe hugs for you :hug: :hug:

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