Second entry: The Path
I was seven. He was a trusted adult, I just a ignorant babe. He hurt me. What was I to do? Would my parents had believed me? I couldn't send my family through this, they were having enough struggles already. My Father starting a new job. My family not having a home of their own living with relatives. I kept quiet to protect them, my autistic older sister and my oh so young sweet baby sister. I've always been more like the oldest than the middle child. With my lips sewn shut I bottled it down. I hid it even from my own thoughts as if I could make it disappear. I'm good at hiding, even now I can be absolutely silent and nobody will find me unless I want them to. That memory is almost better than me at hiding. We play hide and seek on the play ground once I'm hiding from it then its hiding from me. We share glimpse of each other briefly and infrequently.
We eventually moved. We moved to a big house in a small town. My memory and I still played hide and seek. I would feel so low when I couldn't find her, and anxious when I feared for her to find me. On the outside I was strong, smart, confident. I was pushed down with mean words when I answered question in class. I saw my sister rise as she didn't care she was different. I took the bullets of words aimed at her. My parents fought... Are now. Every word I take to heart. I want to make it better, I want to be perfect. If I tell.... They will see me, flawed. They already see me flawed but more flawed.
I say I'm fine on a daily basis. I lie. I'm not fine. Words hurt, memories frighten, and over the years I've become more and more intensely anxious and depressed.
Now I feel so small, as small as I was in that haunting memory. And even more so pathetic. I'm in high school, best or worst years of your life depending on who you ask but I'm still stuck playing hide and seek with the little girl with lips sewn shut because we each hold the key to each others voice.
That a very symbolic view of things. I don't quite know how to write it in real because I'm still so afraid to tell. Tell me your path, how did you get here? Where have you been?
May we all find a better day, someday.