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Posted by one.day. , in Its all in the Past? - my story, Rambles 27 March 2013 · 45 views

I want it to go away. I want to feel clean and stop the memories. I want my sister to be here. I want the guilt to move away. I wish as the words are written, the past will disappear.


He had come home. My sister held my hand. My brother whispered that we should go. He crashed through the front door. The side table and ornaments flying everywhere. He fell face down on the carpet. The smell of alcohol, smoke and his fishing trip. His work boots and waders half done up.

I thought this would be his bed for the night. His eyes rolled about his head. My brother joked that he could well be dead. He heard. My brother was hit across the heads with his steel boot. My sister whimpered and went to brothers side. I knew that if she did she would be in trouble.

There was blood on the floor. My sister was hugging her stomach from being kicked. My turn. He pulled me by the hair and dragged me into the bathroom and the locked the door.

I heard her screaming. I heard her shout for me. I heard her tears. I heard the quiet. Then I heard him. You had better wish I was dead for what's coming now. I didn't know what had happened to my siblings. He fell over, still so drunk and full of rage.

He took off my clothes and hit me with his belt. I was dirty. I was evil. He poured bleach all over me. He told me it would not cleanse my soul. He scoured my body, leaving scratches and grazes on my skin. He forced me into the shower and followed. He told me, we had to take it in turns. He told me, I had to want it to. He asked me if I wanted to. I never answered. He hit me across the face. He asked me again. I didn't have time to answer, he had pushed my head below. Pushing and pulling at my hair. He asked me again and said this was love. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to know what love was. I wanted to show my mum I could love her and take all the pain away from my sister. I was so confused. Yes, I did. Repeat it, like you mean it. Yes I do.

After, he tied me up and beat me. Then he left, he said no one could save me from the disgusting child I was, not even God. My mother would never want me now.

I woke up with my sister lying next to me. She was stroking my hair. Singing but silent tears ran. She was the strong one.

I am so sorry. So very very sorry. This breaks my heart .
No, don't be. It'll be okay. Thank you for hearing me. :rainbow:

July 2014

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