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Day 225: Temptation Backward

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 23 July 2014 · 198 views

July 23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 153 Days
Each day for the last week or so I have receded a little further into my old self. I have a temptation that is a bit of a struggle. I'm hoping it won't be. It might not prove to actually even be a temptation. But, if it goes from an invitation to an actual temptation I feel confident I'll avoid my old behavior. I feel confident, and yet here I am feeling compelled to write about it. Perhaps it is simply that confession is good for the soul. Perhaps it is because this is on the front of my mind and I can't write anything else as long as it's here. That's probably it.
I might be feeling at risk because I have the upcoming self-catheterization appointment that feels terrifying. I know I'll be OK up to and through the appointment. But afterward. Afterward is when I am most likely to be in a terrible state. I find myself considering the possibility of arranging the tempting encounter to follow the self-catheterization appointment. It would push me completely free of any emotions related to that appointment.
I didn't realize I was thinking any of that. Once again, I marvel at how free-writing exposes me to myself.
I guess I better talk to my T about this tomorrow.

I wonder if the temptation is a form of SSI. The connection between the doctor's appointment to self-catheterize and then the acting out---curious.


Much love to you either way, and best wishes in all regards. You are brave, my dear.

Jul 23 2014 09:55 PM



You could be right and I think that's what is niggling at me. I set aside other forms of SH and feel a pull because I haven't been coping effectively . . . not as effectively as I want, anyway.

(((((intrepidshe))))))  Hoping you have a safe night. Be gentle with you, you're beautifully deserving of it. 

:hug: :hug:


Jul 25 2014 06:25 PM


About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


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To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


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