today would have been my first day back sitting beside the evil one in about 2 months.....and I couldn't face it. I'm a coward.
She is being moved, that I have confirmed...and probably in the next week. I should be able to handle a few days. But here i sit.
I've called my boss and said I'm not feeling well. Not untrue - i feel very much sick to my stomach, among other symptoms. Sure, some of it related to PMS, but nothing I can't survive. But no, the "illness" i'm feeling is squarely rooted in my fear.....
She's still bothering me. Nothing overtly offensive or cruel - just little digs here and there when she can. I would love nothing more then to see her end up on her face. I don't hate her. Unfortunately i don't seem able to hate anyone. In a way i feel sorry for her. One day she will get a big wake up call. It will either be when her husband finds out about her flirting at work and leaves her. Or when my guy friend decides to grow a pair and realize shes nothing good for him and walks away. Or when everyone in the office finally clues in the person she really is and treats her how she treats others. She will then know what it feels like. If only she knew what was being said about her now. But who am i to repeat office gossip? Her childish displays of posessiveness are getting boring. Like all children, she needs to learn to share and get a long with others. But there is always one child in every class who doesn't get along. Who insists on being the Queen and lording over the others. This is also known as a bully.
Sadly, i am still afraid of her. I'm afraid of those barbs. Normally I wouldn't be, but I am still very very raw from the horrible betrayal, not yet strong enough to handle the cruel wind she sends my way. So here i sit, ready for work, but not leaving. I'm writing this rather then giving into the urge to curl up into the fetal position on my floor and bawl my eyes out. I'm the one that was always pushed down on the playground, pushed off the swings, or had my toys and snacks stolen. But I survived then. I got back up. Found other toys or snacks or whatever i needed. And sometimes what was taken, would find it's way back to me. Sometimes the one who pushed me, would be the one to fall from the highest monkey bars, and that was quite a fall. As I would watch them cry, I realized then that in many ways, we are the same.
I will let myself have today, not because of her (of course my boss may think it's because of her). No I will take today to reflect on those days on the playground when my tears went unheard. when I wiped them away myself and ray back into the fray, determined to still have fun, even if it was on my own. determined to show them that they cannot ruin my fun....and they will not break me.
I may cry....but we all cry at times. it is not a sign of my weakness. It is a sign of my strength. That I am strong enough to let you see me at my weakness, knowing that you will never...ever....ever...truly break me. You can take my snacks, my toys, my swing, and my friends.....but you will never have me. and that's just a little bit sad, because I'm an awsome person to have in one's life.