i feel heartless
i feel like he can't just start talking to me and act all peachy, and everything will be different. i hate to be so cold. i know i'm hurting him, and every time i have to go into the bedroom to get something, i know he has to jump, thinking i've forgiven him, and that i'm coming back to cuddle him.
it's so, so awkward.
in the middle of the night last night i had the hugest urge to kiss him, to feel his smooth skin against my lips. i wanted to press my face against his chest, to be held.
but i can't go back to him simply because i'm lonely. there are sometimes just things that a girl has to do. i feel like i'm at a pivotal fight in our relationship. like, if i go back to him right now, i'm basically saying "ok, i want to be with you for the rest of my life." and any other fight we have after this will me minimal, because he'll know that i'll always just return to him anyways. i really want to see him change, not just for me, but for him, too. i want to see him change the way his pain controls his outlook on life. i want to see him try to maintain connections with ppl and stop taking his anger and frustration and stress out on ppl. it's not other ppl's fault that he's in pain. i need him to learn that.
i wish i had a big dog that could sense when i'm sad, that would jump up on my stomach and keep me company. cats don't do that. they'll cuddle you when you're warm and absolutely still, in the middle of the night when you're asleep. and if you're LUCKY, they'll stay on you. i just need a big furry buddy right now.