Pandora's Aquarium: I can't believe I'm back here again - Pandora's Aquarium

I just want to get over this crap seriously. I can't even walk in the dark without my heart beating out of my chest and sweating profusely. This is crazy. I always think someone is going to attack me and I've been barracading myself in my room again at night I hate this. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this but a counsler and I can't seem to find one free in the great state of Iowa. I was doing counseling in Texas and I guess it was helping although it was bringing alot out and I was afraid to talk about it. I don't know why. I know I didnt' do anything wrong but man I hate even talking about it thinking about it. But it affects my life so much and I hate that that one fucking night has so much impact on my life years later. I hate that I hid it so long I wish I would have just came out right when it happend but truth is I was afraid he would kill me and by the time he was gone I thought nobody would believe me because I waited so long. I hate feeling like this I just want to be normal and not scared about stupid thing like walking in a dark hallway shouldn't give me a fucking anxiety attack. geez. I feel like I can't trust anyone to talk about this its so bad. I don't want to live like this anymore.