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I bit my tongue to stay silent after seeing my mom make one of those xmas cards online but ended up saying--somewhere around the lines--why are you sending that out? Cut me out because I only took the picture, thinking it was just going to be me and you. Of course, she says something like--once again somewhere around the lines--get over it, not my problem, etc.
I guess I felt almost "good" for saying something, but still, this anxiety and worrying and stress--like I have to give a speech in front of millions of people--only gets worse.
As soon as December hit--bam!--I just felt like I never had time to do anything. Homework. Assignments. Write on my own time. I mean, I have always been on the "go," you know feeling like I am never doing much or guilty almost for taking a break.
What really got me worried was about 2-3 weeks ago when I felt lightheaded and almost sick in one of my college class, watching a documentary on online bullying. I mean I felt like I was about to faint--somewhere around that feeling--and ended up getting, what I had believed, a headache. Anyway, I do not remember too much but I know I must have came home and relaxed.
The following two weeks--last days of the semester--I was so overwhelmed like I could not breathe. I took six courses this semester and was just so fed up that my school's semester ended less than a week before the holidays. At first, this did not bother me because I get that there are people who have more things to do, but I was just done. I did not want to think or do ANYTHING work related--but, I had to since assignments were to be turned in.
Anyway, I managed to get through this semester after really bad "headaches" and minor anxiety attacks and what I believe, exhaustion, and just wanted a break. But, unlike my friends who in fact ended their semester two weeks before the holidays--able to relax for a whole week without worrying about xmas--I am unable to.
Eventually--maybe about 2-3 weeks ago--I came out to my mom about the stress, worries and anxiety. In all honesty, I know that school is PART of the reason why I am still like this because it feels like I can never get a break. To be honest too, I do not remember ALL of my mom's first reaction to me actually "opening" up but she seemed to understand.
Yet, about three days ago, I went out after quite some time with my mom--I had minor "episodes" while being out where my anxiety kicked up and I just felt so tired--and believed that this is what I need. Wrong. I ended up getting clammy hands on our way to the shopping center and she knew but I did not end up "opening" up until we pulled into the parking lot. Now, I did come out about the "abuse" in a way growing up from my dad and brother but did not say that my brother had sexually abused me. We had two "discussions" and both really drained me out afterward. This was one of the first times I suppose where my mom let me speak and did not pull the typical "you're a liar, exaggerate, etc."
So, I know maybe being "listened" for the first time did a whiplash on me--both emotionally, mentally and physically. Yet, I have been waking up still--"fine"--and that nervous and "I want to scream/cry" feeling comes back. I know that I am at FAULT because I continue to bottle things up. But just a few minutes ago, she asked me if I was okay and I told her no. Then, this leads to another her getting mad at me for always--in her words--"sitting around the house and moping, etc" so this makes me feel almost worse. I--once again--have told her that I was abused growing up by those two and when she says "But you don't tell me what exactly"--meaning the details--I choke on the words and I even told her that because stuff that I had seen with my own eyes and had done to me is EMBARRASSING and because of them are in fact my own father and brother it hurts.
Now, I came out to my mother about speaking to two different pastors--the last one who told me that it is okay to "avoid" these people--and she seemed to understand me or at least "judged" me less. I want to say that my anxiety has "diminished" but I cannot even leave the house without feeling that crying/screaming and stress. It is scaring me a lot that my body is acting like this. I do feel a bit "out of breath" and "relieved" that I had told my mom a few minutes ago that I am not okay and that yes, I do need help. But whenever we "talk," the conversation does turn into just about my dad--and she is making it clear that she is not surprise of his abuse towards me because he had abused her for years. So, just a few minutes ago, I bring up my brother and cannot--once again--just say it and not care.
I know this does have to do with too--and I had confronted her just a few minutes ago about it--that she does believe my brother was abusive but in her words, "not in my house." I am just feeling a bit of every emotion, wanting her to just ASK ME. I even said this to her three days ago and she acts like "I do not know what you are talking about." It makes me mad/upset, etc. because I have memories of her CATCHING us. It makes me mad and sick to admit that but it is true. I have a memory of my mom walking in when we were in the pool and in a bedroom--both fully clothed--but still it is like how can she live like this, knowing what she has seen and witnessed but yet she acts like she does not know.
Now, I am trying hard--or at least hope I am--not to feel angry towards her because if I was meant to be abused in one point in my life, IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN and NOTHING WOULD STOP IT.
I feel extra bad in a way too because it is the holidays and all of a "sudden," I get like this; but even told her too that I did not know that it was okay for me to vent and have every reason to feel the way I do.
I am praying more--along with reading a daily prayer book--and had watched church online the other day. I know that--as much as I do not want to do it--my mom needs to hear it.
I even told her too that I went into details about the abuse with a pastor and he even told me that I am not at fault; but that was a lie--the pastor only knows that I had sex on and off for years with my brother and that I had confronted my brother about and all my brother had said was "That was the past!" But what makes me feel even "worse" and yes angry is that my mom made a comment that we all point the finger at each other--meaning me, my dad and brother. I was a bit angry at first when she first said it and I then told her that I am not trying to prove or persuade shit to her but just telling her what I had heard, seen and had done to me growing up and the TRUTH.
I know because of coming in a way "clean" she makes me feel a bit worse like I should have said something sooner--which I confronted her about when she had said this. I guess I am getting this anxiety, stress and worrying feeling because I know that I need to just say it! But, I choke on the words. I told her--if not all but most--of what I am writing here to her and I know that I should not feel bad or guilty because I do feel like my mother has chose to ignore a lot of stuff. I get this is from the past but when certain people still come around and yes, do not "talk" to me, it hurts me because they had crossed the boundary where I cannot go on and act like it had never happened.
I know that I need to vent more, rest and stop kicking my ass so much because I am terrible at all of these. Plus too, since I am twenty, I do not want to have my childhood and teenage years carry onto my future. I do have faults--asked God for his forgiveness for my sins and hope that I had meant it--because I am not perfect.
With all that has happened--including family drama that yes, I do seemed to be dragged into--makes me ill. I do not want to hate anyone, but sometimes it seems impossible. Especially too since my cousin and aunt--my dad's sister and niece were the first people to know about me and my brother--I do feel almost guilty like I had shit talked behind my mom's back. For years too, my dad--and also my mom who made it clear that she does not care for my aunt and cousin and even called my cousin a loser because she does not like her lifestyle--have called them "liars, drug addicts, devil worshippers, etc."
What I find weird--and once again, told my mom something similar--is how all the things that my dad and even my brother accuse someone of something, it is either exaggerated or may in fact be true but is from the past. My aunt came clean to me about practicing witchcraft in her twenties and how she drank and did drugs, etc. My cousin came clean too about doing drugs, cutting, committing suicide almost, etc. and both of them--especially my cousin, who may very well if not all but know a lot of stuff about me--said that if I ever doubt them or want to know something to call and ask. In fact, not too long ago I came out to my cousin about doubting them, etc. and not once did she get mad--or at least did not take it out on me.
I guess, after once again pouring this all out on here, I realize that yes, my family is F'D UP and that is including me; but that it is no surprise for the way I feel and get.
I did tell my mom too that this family is F'D UP--some people--and she agrees but yet again, I feel like she only agrees because that is my DAD AND HIS FAMILY. When, in fact, I am talking about pretty much EVERYONE.
I am a bit tired now from just it all. My mom seems to be pissed at me. I do not want to worry, stress and get anxious over what will happen next/future, etc. but I do and it gets me sick.
I know that I NEED to start seeking help--contacted the church if they give counseling and will go from there. I am ashamed, embarrassed, mad, etc. but I always hear that things do get better for many of us who want to have God a part of our lives. It is stressing me out for the way I have been getting with all of the stress, anxiety and worries for not coming fully out "clean" about my brother. So, I know that perhaps talking with a pastor, most who all have a deep dark past, can help guide me to beat out this worrying, stress and anxiety.
Maybe this is a "good" sign that I consider of just telling my mom because why should I be in fear of my dad, who yes does seem unstable, and my brother who lives with him and has ALWAYS made it seem like his life is horrible and that my parents give him a hard time and whatnot. Yes, my dad was abusive to my brother; but is my brother all that innocent, NO. Too many times, he always points the finger and like my dad had--or still does--blames others and takes it out on them for their problems.
Maybe I am even realizing too that having sex at a young age and even initiating it and almost begging for it and engaging in it a lot of the times did happen but it is still not MY FAULT. I was 6 when it had first occurred and it had ended possibly around 13-14 years old. My brother took that away from me--something so special that should have been shared with someone who loved me.
Maybe that is what my big problem is--to let go of the past but to learn to not kick my ass for what had happened. I know that standing my ground will be tough since I am currently experiencing the "side effects" of it. But, that I am human and have at least tried to admit that I am at fault for a lot of things.
New year, so, who knows. I just want to beat this stress and all of these negative things. I want to live more in the moment.