-Why did my mom sell me?
-Why did those guys want to take advantage of me?
-Was the money really worth it?
-Why did my mom have to abuse me too?
-What was the end purpose of all of this?
-Why did no one ever try to help me?
-Should I have said something?
-Is it my fault that I didn't say anything?
Being a Christian I know that I should never has the question of why and what if. I know I should just rely on God and let him provide the answers. But the truth of the matter is that, while I know God loves me and cares for me. I have some anger built up at him. I am trying to work through it and I know that he could not change people's free will, but I do know that God says he is my Heavenly Father and cares. I will be honest I tell teens everyday to trust God, but there are still days where I am struggling to trust God myself.
As I a hypocrite? Am I horrible? Should I just keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself. I am just finding myself drowning with questions and insecurities. At the end of the day I don't want to hear that it is over and done with. That it is all in the past. That there is no point of asking the questions? That what ifs can't change the outcome at this point. That God is bigger. Let God work. I don't care about the christian platitudes right now. Because the truth is no matter how many times I repeat to myself all these truths they don't make all these feelings go away.
I have spent the last 10 hours digging into the word and just to do studies and while God may be a redeemer and a healer not everything makes complete sense. Can people stop making it sound so simple.
Sorry for the vent. I know I have not written in a long time, but I am finally done with the Master's Commission program I was in and am now working and as a result have more free time on my hands. I just needed to get my feet settled with things before I could come on here more frequently again. Again I'm sorry I just needed to write this out and so I came to the blog.