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Day 80: What's the F-ing Point?!

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 01 March 2014 · 126 views

Feb. 28, 2014 (9 Days Into Becoming):
 
I had a bad night last night with the insomnia. I don't know why. Maybe there isn't an answer to why. Maybe there are ten answers to why. I don't know if why matters. It's Friday. I can sleep in as long as I want tomorrow. I had hoped that by being very consistent this week I wouldn't need to have a weekend of staying in bed until well into the day. However, here I am feeling the insomnia buzzing again. My brain is running on overdrive. There's nothing consciously speaking in there. It's more like the din of voices in an auditorium when a play has just ended. Everyone is talking, putting on their coats, digging out their keys. You can't really pick up on an individual conversation. It vibrates like a bee hive.
 
So, I can't pick up on a thread to write about tonight. It doesn't help that I worked from 8 am to 10 pm today.
 
Also, after the intensity of the gynecologic appointment, I'm in a lull.
 
Besides that, there is financial stress.
 
Oh, and in addition to that, I am undergoing tests that I have to administer myself, at home (pardon my specifying: a 3-day stool test and a 24-hour urine test, eww).
 
These tests are expensive. One of them isn't covered by insurance. But, I need the tests in order for the doctor to figure out what's going on with me, why I have such high immune markers.
 
I learned yesterday that my insurance has denied all of my bills since I started this process. My T hasn't been paid. My doctor won't be paid. It's a glitch that will take I don't know how long to fix. I've done everything I can do. Everything I'm supposed to do. But, it's up to other people. So, in the meantime, I don't know what's going to happen to my family's finances. Will we go into collections?
 
How can I consider continuing to rack up health care and therapy expenses in this situation?
 
But, how can I keep putting off the health care I need?
 
**** OK. Now I see what's got a hold of me. ****
 
I have many different things creating stress at the same time. Furthermore, it seems to me just when I reach the point I am willing to take care of my health, life throws a giant, nonsensical, infuriating barrier at me. My husband still doesn't have a job (or health insurance). Here I am at a great place in my career and we're in a financial tailspin.
 
This is such a typical thing to have happen in my life. Crazy problems just seem to happen to me. The reason my insurance won't pay is because my previous employer never cancelled my policy. I called my previous employer. I called my previous insurance. No one is doing anything to fix it. And, I'm not allowed to use that old policy, even though it's in force!! What is the f-ing point of all this?!
 
I feel like I'm standing beneath a building as its falling down around me.
 
Alright, that all sounds very dramatic. I also feel fine.



It would be frustrating that you are doing everything right, and the things around you are going wrong, or others are not doing what they should (regarding the insurance). Those reminders that so much can be out of our control, are triggering, and infuriating.
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yarnfoolishness
Mar 01 2014 02:58 PM

Infuriating. 

 

Insurance difficulties are so frustrating. 

 

First off. not your fault. A paperwork screwup because somebody didn't do their job. 

 

Get paper documentation on everything.   Old insurance, new insurance, date old insurance should have been cancelled, date New insurance should have been in effect. Make sure you give copies to your T and doctors. That should put a hold on any collection efforts.   It won't help with the lab work, I suspect, but you may be able to submit receipts and get reimbursed when it's all sorted.

 

Then, put on your hero cape and go to battle with both insurance companies. Bug the heck out of them. Call daily. Write letters and send them certified mail with a return receipt. In short, act like you're building evidence for a court case. 

 

I had to do that once with an insurance carrier. It was a pain, but it worked. 

 

Toss this in the bin if not helpful. Sending good thoughts. 

 

:metoyou:

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intrepidshe
Mar 01 2014 09:34 PM

It would be frustrating that you are doing everything right, and the things around you are going wrong, or others are not doing what they should (regarding the insurance). Those reminders that so much can be out of our control, are triggering, and infuriating.

 

Yeah, I must have been pretty triggered by it to have written something as hopeless and angry as what I wrote last night. And, I was extra tired.

 

I appreciate your reminder about all things not being in our control. I tend to forget that. It's still that survival pattern at work in me.

 

Thanks Lua!

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intrepidshe
Mar 01 2014 09:35 PM

Infuriating. 

 

Insurance difficulties are so frustrating. 

 

First off. not your fault. A paperwork screwup because somebody didn't do their job. 

 

Get paper documentation on everything.   Old insurance, new insurance, date old insurance should have been cancelled, date New insurance should have been in effect. Make sure you give copies to your T and doctors. That should put a hold on any collection efforts.   It won't help with the lab work, I suspect, but you may be able to submit receipts and get reimbursed when it's all sorted.

 

Then, put on your hero cape and go to battle with both insurance companies. Bug the heck out of them. Call daily. Write letters and send them certified mail with a return receipt. In short, act like you're building evidence for a court case. 

 

I had to do that once with an insurance carrier. It was a pain, but it worked. 

 

Toss this in the bin if not helpful. Sending good thoughts. 

 

metoyou.gif

 

Yarn,

 

That's very encouraging to me. You're right about all of it and that's what I'll do, now that I got the rant out of my system and have recognized what it's triggering for me.

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yarnfoolishness
Mar 02 2014 05:10 PM

I hear you. :metoyou:

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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