Day 80: What's the F-ing Point?!
I had a bad night last night with the insomnia. I don't know why. Maybe there isn't an answer to why. Maybe there are ten answers to why. I don't know if why matters. It's Friday. I can sleep in as long as I want tomorrow. I had hoped that by being very consistent this week I wouldn't need to have a weekend of staying in bed until well into the day. However, here I am feeling the insomnia buzzing again. My brain is running on overdrive. There's nothing consciously speaking in there. It's more like the din of voices in an auditorium when a play has just ended. Everyone is talking, putting on their coats, digging out their keys. You can't really pick up on an individual conversation. It vibrates like a bee hive.
So, I can't pick up on a thread to write about tonight. It doesn't help that I worked from 8 am to 10 pm today.
Also, after the intensity of the gynecologic appointment, I'm in a lull.
Besides that, there is financial stress.
Oh, and in addition to that, I am undergoing tests that I have to administer myself, at home (pardon my specifying: a 3-day stool test and a 24-hour urine test, eww).
These tests are expensive. One of them isn't covered by insurance. But, I need the tests in order for the doctor to figure out what's going on with me, why I have such high immune markers.
I learned yesterday that my insurance has denied all of my bills since I started this process. My T hasn't been paid. My doctor won't be paid. It's a glitch that will take I don't know how long to fix. I've done everything I can do. Everything I'm supposed to do. But, it's up to other people. So, in the meantime, I don't know what's going to happen to my family's finances. Will we go into collections?
How can I consider continuing to rack up health care and therapy expenses in this situation?
But, how can I keep putting off the health care I need?
**** OK. Now I see what's got a hold of me. ****
I have many different things creating stress at the same time. Furthermore, it seems to me just when I reach the point I am willing to take care of my health, life throws a giant, nonsensical, infuriating barrier at me. My husband still doesn't have a job (or health insurance). Here I am at a great place in my career and we're in a financial tailspin.
This is such a typical thing to have happen in my life. Crazy problems just seem to happen to me. The reason my insurance won't pay is because my previous employer never cancelled my policy. I called my previous employer. I called my previous insurance. No one is doing anything to fix it. And, I'm not allowed to use that old policy, even though it's in force!! What is the f-ing point of all this?!
I feel like I'm standing beneath a building as its falling down around me.
Alright, that all sounds very dramatic. I also feel fine.