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I went shopping today. Old Navy is having a sale on coats today. They're only $15. I decided to buy one. I haven't had a coat in years. The only coats I've ever had were those big puffy marshmellow ones and I hated them so I stopped wearing them in 7th grade. I've worn hoodies ever since. I know it gets cold in the winter but I'm usually not outside for long. But I'm in college now and I have to walk around campus and I have errands and other responsibilities. So, I bought a coat. A nice dark blue one. Then I left and continued shopping. I was mostly just looking around not looking to buy anything else.
I was in a different store when I saw this sweater. My eyes kept getting drawn back to it. Now I'm not a sweater person. I'm strictly a T-shirt and jeans girl. I only have one that I rarely wear but I liked this sweater. It was in my size so I grabbed it and a couple other shirts I liked and went to the dressing rooms to try them on. I tried the other two shirts on first and I liked one, the other didn't fit. Then I put the sweater on and it fit perfectly. Then I took my hair down, looked up at my face, and I didn't recognize myself. I looked like a woman. I've never felt like one before. I've always described myself as a girl. I guess because I've never done/had any of the things that women do/have. I've never had a job, had sex, kissed a boy, or even been on a date. But I was looking in the mirror at a woman I didn't recognize. I don't even know what brought it on. I tried on several other shirts and sweaters today and this didn't happen. I look in the mirror everyday and this has never happened, not like this.
I'm just really depressed now. I guess maybe because I don't like who I am. Or maybe because I never really got a childhood so how can I be a woman now? Maybe because I didn't even notice it happen. I bought the sweater anyway. It was beautiful and I looked beautiful in it. And I don't think it was the sweater itself making me sad it was me. I was fighting tears the entire way home.
I guess I'm writing this because I'm hoping you guys can help me make some sense of it. I need to get back out. I can't spend the entire day depressed. Like I said I have papers to write and other errands to run, besides spending the entire day depressed is awful. I think in hopes of getting over this sudden depression I'm going to treat myself out to lunch and maybe get a hot chocolate. If that doesn't work I'll spend the afternoon relaxing and start one of my papers tonight.