Questions

[Paulabrave]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was raised into silence. Growing up in my family it was assumed that children are liars. I was often told what the true story was by my parents and older brothers.

My parents words "Don't talk back" is what I remember most. They would ask me to explain how something happen and then the words " don't talk back" would be yelled at me or "don't laugh ... this is not funny" ... I remember that I was definitely not laughing. I was crying with tears running down my face ... how could my parents think I was laughing. Also they would ask for an explanation and then immediately accuse me of lying or to not talk back. It got to the point that I would just wait for my parents to tell me what happen because they were not going to listen to me anyway. My parents also did not like the words "I don't know" so it was better to have some sort of explanation (even if they would accuse me of lying) than to say "I don't know".

My parents also had very intense arguments that were compounded when they drank alcohol. That behavior indeed left me silent. My mother was also in a lot of depression and pain as I was growing up. I normally was afraid of her. And she would have to spend a few weeks in the hospital here and there for depression or anorexia. This was never explained to me. My mother normally looked angry towards me so it was better not to disturb her.

My brothers were the primary abusers and they helped to intensify my fear of my parents with stories from their own childhood about being beaten. My brothers also instilled in me not to be a "ta-tile-tail" through malicious taunts. My brothers were frequently my baby sitters so keeping silence was key if I did not want them telling something on me (like I really didn't eat my dinner or the mess I made when I poured my milk)

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My parents - I have to say that the most painful confrontation was with my parents when I was 16 years old. This disclosure was not my choice and did not lead to anything except more pain. My mother found my journals and within the journals was all my pain around the sexual abuse. My parents were shocked, hostile, drunk, and mostly concerned about the reputation and disruption of the b-family. It was my parent’s version of the inquisition. My parents accused me of lying, questioned my sanity, pressed me hard for details of the abuse to prove if I was telling the truth, blamed me for breaking up the family, offered me counseling but then told me that only weak people get counseling.

The ER staff - In 1974, I was 7 years old. I was taken to the ER for lacerations inside my vagina. I was released to go home for sitz baths. They released me because of my mother's frantic hysteria. The ER staff did not know how to deal with her and she got more upset when they recommended that I stay over night for observation. They also released me because the only answer I gave to the ER doctor was that a swing did this to me.

I remember this event somewhat clearly. I remember my mother crying and screaming that I could not stay over night when the doctor suggested that. I remember my mother's other worry was whether my hymen was intact or not. I remember the doctor telling my mother that he did not see how my story was possible. He did not see that there was anyway that a swing could have done this and that the shorts I was wearing were not torn. I remember the doctor shacking his head and saying to his nurse "this is a mess".

I remember the embarrassment of having a doctor have to look at me there. I remember thinking to myself that I really could not remember how this happen but I could not tell the grown-ups that because I didn't want them to think that I was stupid. I remember my brother being on top of me earlier that day and him hurting me more than other times but never making the connection between me being in the ER and what he did earlier than day ( I did not make that connection until after I had children of my own and seeing them at the same age of this event)

The ER staff betrayed me when they let me go home with no follow up and within a few weeks my brother was back on top of me again. My regular pediatrician never received this ER report. I can't ask for the hospital record anymore because they destroyed records over 30 years old.

My ex-husband: He betrayed me because towards the end of our relationship after he tried to strangle me and slammed my head against the wall he turned everything that I kept in confidence with him about the CSA into a way to belittled and humiliating me. Even going so far as to bring up to the divorce lawyers that I am an unfit parent due to this past CSA.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Going to the ER with a torn bloody vagina at age 7. Being placed on phenobarbital at age 7 because I complained of a stomach ache all the time and was nervous (they were sure this was from school stress). Going to the my pediatrician for returning UTIs. Unexplained bruises on my thighs. Severe depression through out my adolescence and adult life.

My school records showed: I struggled through out grade school and was in special low groups for Math and Reading. I went to speech therapy at school for lack of “TH” sound usage (that blended consonants represented the sound my brothers used for what they did to me). My low productivity in school all turned around when my brother moved out of the house and joined the armed services.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

This is a very deep question. The betrayal that I have experienced has lead me to those thoughts of despair. I can not deny that I have very few friendships and stray from intimacy but there is another part of me that does not want to give up and still strives to enjoy, trust, and endure relationships even if it is on a very small scale. I have kids and I would not have given birth if I did not think that this part of me was dead. However the betrayal still haunts me so I do have to address this despair at times. When my depression is greatest is when these convictions shout most loudly.

5. How do you see yourself now?

A messy depressed woman with few friends that still struggles with her past. I use humor as my way out of the muck.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

The telling with my parents and my brothers can me summed up in this post I wrote a little while ago:

http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?s=&...st&p=429551

The telling to other people...

Within my extended family (cousins, Aunts, Uncles, grandmother) it has been frighting and greeted with awkward silences and minimization on the part of the relative ( I am sure it was not that bad because you brother is really nice) and people wishing to remain impartial because they really like my brother (I am sure you are just over reacting or forgive and forget ... he is your brother after all)

Telling friends about this ... I normally did not have the friend anymore. I am normally greeting with awkward silence.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I am learning to with both others and myself

Edited March 28, 2007 by Zebrina

[luckylilley]

1. Were you silenced by someone?

Yes, he threatened to hurt me again, and I knew he could. I was more afraid of him than anything else, I still am and haven’t seen him in almost two years! I also didn’t want to put my family through anything else at that time.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Yea, when I told one friend they were like “oh” and than wont talk about it any more. we talk about everything! But not this, it really hurts that she wont be there for me through this. And also people who don’t believe me, that hurts more than anything

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I don’t know, I kinda just pretended for so long and than started to brake months later when I couldn’t take it any more. Friends who really cared asked about it, but I know a lot of people noticed.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I don’t agree at all, trust can be built and can last. Relationships are needed more tha anything to heal from what has happened. I am learning to trust again, I know relationships can last because my God is powerful and I know relationships can still be enjoyed because my friendships mean more to me than anything!

5. How do you see yourself now?

Broken, and worthless. I love my boyfriend more than anything but feel guilty every day that he is with someone like me who can not give him what he deserves

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yea I have told four people, but I also know that some of those people have told others, some with permission to and others without so I don’t know how many people actually know. For the most part it had been good for me and has helped with healing but some have also hurt alot

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I am learning to trust others. I have had my trust broken several times in different ways and it has been hard to re build that trust but I have an amazing boyfriend who is helping me learn to trust again no matter what has happened in the past that does not shape the people around me or decide how they will act towards me. I don’t know if I trust myself I thought I did but I question myself now.

[Camellia]

1. Where you silenced by someone? How?

No. No one silenced me. I silenced myself. There was no one I could tell, it was too embarrassing. Besides, I did not consider myself to be raped the first time, in anycase, I still would not have told; the second time, I minimized it—it wasn’t violent. My perp was my boyfriend and I thought that I would keep it under wraps. It was between us and was of no concern to others. (Such a wrong thing to have done).

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

I’ve told very few people. One, as far as I know. After realizing that I was raped and assaulted, and that I was promiscuous and that I was honest about desiring him (I loved him), he told me “I treated you as a commodity because you are not Christian and I wasn’t going to marry you anyway”. He also claimed that his fiancée sanctified him. In short, I was dirty and she was not. I had the guilt of exciting his passion while she could control his.

3. Did you “tell” other people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

No. No one could tell that I was abused. I felt that no one on campus was really interested anyway. I became clinically depressed. Since I had been blue for a long while before the rape (friends who were not psychiatrists told each other that I was a manic-depressive which I was not), it seems that everyone thought that I was just being depressed. It was stupid. I should have told my deans.

My parents did not understand my depression.

4. “The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last” Do you agree to that statement? Why or why not?

I feel that it is true to a certain extent but I fight against that sentiment. I can enjoy relationships without trusting completely. I can enjoy relationships while not expecting them to last, while wishing they would. But I believe that if I find someone who really loves and respects me, I should be able to have all. My family is a testament to the above quote and this helps me greatly.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I have no idea. I don’t want to see myself. I guess, persevering. Scared. My therapist says that my core is compassion. I'm very pleased with that!

6. Have you ever begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

For a long time I didn't but I began talking since last year, bit by bit. I told one lady at church without citing rape. She was the first one who defined it as rape. She was extremely encouraging. I believe that God lead me to her. I told my therapists—they gave a legal term to my experience as well. They were very encouraging. My father has been supportive. My friends, less so. One seems to think that I am overreacting. One not writing for ages because he was so shocked forced himself to write an email. I was very touched by that. Others have acted as if nothing happened and have not made any comment. I feel that most who know my perp will disbelieve me but they don’t know him as well as I do. They’ve never gone out with him.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I only trust my family—they care about me.

I don’t know if I can trust myself. The abuse has damaged what little confidence I had. I know that I can’t trust myself when I’m depressed. I can’t assess risk very well. While at first I may be extremely suspicious, I can turn immediately into a trusting person, following blindly. That’s why I have a written list of people I can trust. If you are not on that list, I will not even talk to you. In any case, when I’m depressed, I become confused and have a hard time talking.

Edited March 29, 2007 by scamellia

[Pavitra]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

My family of origin was the first to silence me... they told me I had a big mouth. That I was stupid. That I didn't know what I was talking about, I was being "too sensitive" and "overreacting."

The fact that they could talk almost anyone and everyone out of being concerned for my welfare if I told, made me doubt myself so much. The first part of my 30s was spent going OMG that was WRONG! at everything I remembered, that is the parts I hadn't already acknowledged as being bad.

It also was spent realizing that how the adults in my childhood life reacted (or rather, didn't react) to my reaching out for help was NOT a reflection on whether or not my life was normal. They were willing to take the word of my b-parents over me because of their professions and my b-mother in particular can be very good at manipulating people.

If it wasn't the put-downs or accusations of being ungrateful, silence was induced by telling me there was nothing wrong with what happened and it was normal.

It was effective training. I learned to slap a smile on my face and pretend, deny, etc. It was the only way I knew how to get "table scraps" of love from my b-family.

My X-H silenced me by threatening to make sure I never saw our daughter again, including trying to make me sign a document saying I'd give her up if I left him before we married (I was pregnant with her at the time). Of course after I did finally leave and told people he denied it, but the hell on earth he put me through during the custody hearings sure reinforced his threats.

When I was raped by a former boyfriend he didn't have to silence me. I felt like it was too late to say no and just let him do it once he started. All that prior training, like I said, very effective...

I had a family member make legal threats to try and silence me for speaking out against them. This person also stalked me for a year.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Yes. My b-mother told me repeatedly my being sexually abused was "normal family experimentation," no matter how many times I told her that isn't true. When I tried telling her I never wanted it, never consented, that I told him no, she outright said she was going to choose to believe her own version of the story.

She also knew about my being raped but would talk about that one like he was an old family friend.

When I told another friend I'd been raped, he went "I dunno, sounds like a grey area to me..." I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach - this was someone who had been very supportive of me while going through my divorce an was one of the first. Later on he told me it would be wrong to cut off contact with my family when I wanted to do it in my late 20s and his advice was the reason I continued to put up with their abuse for another 3 years before I finally went through with "divorcing" them.

I consider my extended family's refusal to believe that I was SA'd by my b-family to be a form of betrayal too.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I had anorexia throughout my teens into my early 20s and then lapsed again after I was raped. I also struggled with compulsive eating from the time I was little until I started getting help a couple years ago.

As a child nearly every one of my report cards said I "did not work up to my full potential." I think part of that is my having neurological disabilities that were not officially recognized or were only diagnosed in boys at that time and therefore no help was available to me, and nobody is to blame for that, it is what it is. But it wouldn't surprise me if the abuse making me think so little of myself contributed.

I was also criticized for crying a lot, not just by my b-family but teachers. I was told I had an "anger problem." (Gee, you think?!)

I have had chronice problems with depression and anxiety nearly my whole life. I also have some PTSD symptoms though I've never been officially diagnosed. I've had so many bad experiences with therapists I can't bring myself to go again.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Sort of and sort of not. I think if I genuinely felt that ALL relationships could not be enjoyed, trusted, or expected to last, I likely wouldn't be married with kids today. But, it doesn't mean that I don't have an edge of cynicism when it comes to my marriage, or that I don't have difficulty enjoying my husband and children, and I think this concept is behind why I tend to find fault in others and why I have difficulty communicating my emotions and opening up.

5. How do you see yourself now?

A mess.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I've been telling people for a while now. Most of my friends know I am an incest survivor, as does my husband.

Only a handful of friends and my husband, and Pandy's know about the rape.

Most of my friends, except for Mr. "Grey Area" have been supportive (I'm no longer friends with him or his wife, we, um, fell out of touch). Same with my husband, he's been the one person to validate what I've been through as being abuse or rape in real life. His family knows about my family of origin and they have stuck up for me, they tell me constantly that I am family to them.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

This is still a big issue for me. I don't have as much fear of abandonment anymore but I still do fear that certain people in my life won't "be there" for me in the way I need or that if I'm honest about how I feel that I'll be retaliated against, as unfortunately that has happened. I've also dealt with the whole thing of believing that because I was raised a certain way or because I had certain experiences in some relationships that this must be how everyone is, and that does chip away my trust in others.

I am not sure about whether I trust myself. Okay, no, I do know - I don't. I never take big risks and want everything to be comfortable and remain the same so I don't have to be scared and I don't have to worry about making mistakes or failing. So no, I don't trust myself.

[shoshanahlily]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

Only silenced by myself, not willing to talk in fear of retaliation and then once i did start talking i was retaliated against so in a sense my fears were grounded in reality.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Well i'm not sure, does my mother telling me its my fault count?

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I don't know if i was actually trying to tell anyone what happened but I did witdraw completely from my life and quit my job. I relocated to another town and never spoke to anyone who I knew before about what happened.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes. I am scared to even think about entering any relationship. I do have one friendship now but i'm still very scared because i get so touchy about subjects that I often scream or yell or argue about my feelings and i wonder if i'm just constantly trying to make this person out to be an enemy although she has proven time and time again she is a really good friend.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I see myself as one who exists, i live and move but have no being.

6. Have you ever begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes I have started talking. Its still very difficult at times but mostly its been positive. I've found more support and then I find myself craving human contact so I can just talk to someone about whats happening and how I'm feeling then I don't feel so bad and so completely alone.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I waiver on this. Trust isn't really a word I use anymore. I would like to trust again but it seems like a far off goal and I don't know when I'll reach it if ever. As for trusting myself, if I could get past this self doubt and self hatred then maybe that would happen again too. I just don't know.

Shoshanah

[Tiffy]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

Yes, I was silenced by a couple of my abusers by them threatening me that if I told anyone they would kill me or they would give me the impression they were going to hurt me worse if I let anyone find out. I also silenced myself by living in isolatation and not allowing myself to talk about it for fear of the unknown happening.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Most definitely, my mother betrayed me by not coming to my rescue when she knew for a damn well fact I was being abused. I have a lot of "relationships" with abusive alcoholics who probably could've done more to protect me ie: my father and other family members.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Yep, I devoloped Anorexia at age twelve and I still continue to hurt my body by starving. I withdrew myself majorally by the time I was about 14-15 to the point I dropped out of school by the time I was 15.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes, more than I should. People have proven to me that they are worth being trusted and I still have issues with completly trusting them. I always expect people to leave my side so that way it doesn't hurt so much when they do. And I rarely enjoy relationships to their fullest for some reason or another.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Tough one. I see myself as damaged. I'm most definitely not the same person I was at one time, but I see sides of that being good and bad. Sometimes I don't even think I know who I am. I definitely don't like myself and there's times when I can't even stand myself.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes, I have told others about my abuse, and I've had expirences that were good and bad. I've had therapists not know what to say so they blurted out the first thing that came into their not-so-smart minds. I've had "friends" that have abandoned me. I've had therapists and friends that were supportive. And then there is always the people that feel sorry for me.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

It's rare that I completly 100% trust someone, but most of the time I keep my fears about them to myself. I don't trust myself much since being abused.

[Lissa]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I guess by myself...I didn't recognize what had happened at first as assault; the guy told me "you did nothing wrong, don't regret it," so I thought it was just plain regret I was feeling. And people didn't even know that I was hooking up with this guy cuz we kept it secret, for some reason. I heard my friends talking about him and saying how he was a jerk to girls and stuff. So, even after calling it assault and telling one person about it, I never said who it was, because I thought I'd be told I was stupid for seeing him in the first place. Plus I thought the guy would swear that he didn't do anything to me and I would feel all defensive, and already I continuously sway back on forth on what was my fault or his. People might have believed me over him, but I didn't want to risk it. I could have told more people if I wanted to, I guess.

2. Have others, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My friend I told was not available for me to talk to him. He used to always be around, and suddenly he was much too busy, and he never said when a good time to talk was. Then he got frustrated with MY frustration and said that he didn't want to be my "therapy friend" and I should try to have happier conversations with him. I was extremely let down.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other than words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I think I really withdrew, I stopped sitting with my friends at meals so much because I didn't want them to hear them making their usual jokes which I was now very sensitive about. I spent a lot of time crying in my room. I especially stopped watching movies with them because certain scenes, the way guys spoke to women, made me very upset and I would leave; this was before I even officially labled what happened as assault. I have since found from the person I told that, after one of those times, my (guy) friends discussed whether something had happened to me. but they never asked me, and I didn't know they suspected anything. They didn't stop making insensitive comments (not as bad as what some guys say, but still, not things you typically hear girls joke about). The next semester, I became kind of obsessed with rape myths/education and kept talking about that, which made them suspicious again. But when I mentioned I was a virgin, they decided everything was fine. I guess in their mind, you were either raped or nothing at all happened.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I think betrayal does deepen that conviction, but I also don't think it means you can't ever have a good relationship again. It's just harder.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I'm at home for the summer, being a hermit and just trying to relax after being so stressed out this year at school. I feel like my perspective on things has changed enormously, and I feel like I have to make a lot of changes with how I go about dealing with people because I'm sort of a doormat. I'm afraid that if I don't take the right measures about how others see me, then I will be hurt again or worse in the future, although I know that's kind of a negative way to think because it's like blaming myself for what happened. But I feel like I make it hard for most people to respect me, lovers or friends, because I avoid confrontation too much. I would also like to be with another guy,to be with someone who treats me properly, or even to be with a jerk again so I can leave him, to prove to myself that I know when to leave a bad situation...

6. Have you ever begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

7 months after it happened and 2 months after realizing what had happened, I told a girl I've been online friends for 6 years, and have continued chatting to her about things since and she has been perfect, except she's not free to talk very much (and I avoided asking her to talk more often, because I had been let down by my someone else). I wish I could talk to her in person. I told one guy friend at school, who was initially great, but then very disappointing, as I said in #2. I saw a school counselor for a month and a half, before the semester ended. She was very nice, but it felt awful having to bottle up everything and only get to talk for one hour a week, and to someone who HAS to listen, not a friend. Therapists are good, but aren't you supposed to have both therapists AND friends?I have also never told anyone who assaulted me or exactly what he did.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust the guy that I told. He is not much of a friend, but I don't believe he would ever abuse a girl he was seeing. The guys who came to my school to do the One in Four Men's Program also help restore my faith. But my basic instinct is to not trust guys, I guess, though I know there must be others like the ones I already know. I do not think I trust myself very much, because I am still so appalled that I got myself into a situation with a guy like that, that seemed completely out of character at yet I was still drawn to him. I thought I would know better, which is why I want to be with another guy, to prove to myself that I DO know better, and I just wasn't educated well before. But I'm also afraid to be with a new guy in case things go badly.

[astralvigilante]

I was harassed/stalked, not raped but I'll answer anyway.

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I felt like a wuss because I was being harassed by a blonde girl with large breasts (you know the type) in high school, who was rather slutty...but she was very forceful with flirtation, liked to get into personal space and touch more than was necessary. She would also go out of her way to corner me when I wasn't expecting it, and to rally her friends to push me to be with her. Plus she was bi and I was gay...and to say, "This blonde slutty chick is sexually harassing me to the point that I have nightly rape nightmares about her" is hard to do.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

I don't know honestly. My friend sort of loudly belted it out to some people that I was having rape nightmares about the girl (lovely huh?) and that I consider to be betrayal in some way.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

The girl who did this is by FAR not the only reason for my depression, but I cut...I've dealt with bouts of anorexia (I'm not sure actually...I mean my friends say I have it, I say I don't...gaah), I've carved words like "pure" into my arm to try to feel like I'm still innocent despite a lot of things, and I wrote some poetry anonymously for our school literary magazine.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I sort of agree and disagree. When I had the first rape dream (after she had been giving me a dose of hell at school for a while), there was this moment when I felt like divinity had disowned me...this girl could just do whatever she wanted to me and no one cared/would help me. She still sometimes talks to me, and reinforces that if anything like that WERE to happen, I would and do deserve it...and it's hard when people tell me they want me in any way shape or form not to think of them as savage and horrible.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I hate myself most of the time.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes...but harassment is hard to tell people about because she was such a crafty manipulator, she was very good at making it look as if you started absolutely everything she did...and she's very proud of this fact.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't trust myself. I feel like deep down I'm a whore and I deserve whatever it is she has been trying to do to me...and I don't trust others because my own mother when I tried to tell her about this situation basically said, "STOP dreaming about girls/well that's what happens when you go around telling everybody you're gay."

[enfysmoon]

Here are my answers! (I do them too!)<p>

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?<p> i was silenced by my abuser (my stepfather). i was absolutely terrified of him and was convinced that he'd try to kill me if i told anyone <p>2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)<p>well, i feel like my mum betrayed me because when i told her she called me a liar. ive lost a few friends over it as well. they just dont want to know me anymore, as if im contagious. i feel betrayed by them as well<p>3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)<p>i think so. i used to write a lot of poetry. i started spending a lot of time on my own, and i was reading book after book on sexual abuse, and other peoples experiences, trying to understand.<p>

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?<p>i do to some extent. the damage from what happened to me has made me vary wary of relationships, and i dont trust people.

<p>5. How do you see yourself now?<p>as a very confused depressed girl. im 18 now and only been away from my abuser for 9 months. i struggle with everything constantly. the general workings of day to day life seem so exhausting and unnatural to me still. i dont know where im going, what im doing, or what im going to do.

<p>6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?<p> i told my best friend at the time and all of a sudden it was like the world knew. at the time when i left home, i was involved in the very public world of drag racing, and for a long time it felt like everytime i went there, i couldnt turn around without someone asking me why i wasnt with my family anymore. most people have been really good about it, and they all keep telling me that bad things happen to bad people so he'll get his deserve...

<p>7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?<p>i sometimes trust myself. not often though. i dont trust my judgement or my decisions. as for trusting other people, no. i dont trust them. as much as i love my friends and the people in my life, i dont trust any of them. i'm always wary of them and i'm convinced they'll eventually let me down. the only person i can trust is my partner, and even now, after almost a year, i dont trust him completely...

[Zarathustra]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

He silenced me. He refused to hear my no. Now I don't bother with refusal. I find myself silently allowing a lot more than I ever thought I would.

2. Have others, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Not exactly. The efforts of my friends (with the exception of one) to support me have been feeble and half-hearted. Some change the subject, some pretend not to hear. But they are still, I suppose, well-intentioned people.

Frankly, I've betrayed myself by beginning to self harm. I was the one person I always thought I could rely on. I guess not, anymore.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I don't mean to, but it seems to show. People seem to have this uncanny way of... knowing. I am not sure why, yet.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes, I do agree. This is exactly how I feel about relationships, particularly romantic ones, at this time. I don't want to believe in anything only to get hurt again.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I barely know myself. I suppose I must be the same person, but it's hard to recognize who I once was.

I am selfish, scared, confused, needy, angry. I can't tell if I am re-creating myself or destroying myself.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I have told some others. My mother has been wonderful about it. So has my best friend. A surprising number of people don't seem to know what to say. They act as if I've given them something really hard to deal with. Do they think it's easy for me?

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I count the people I trust on one hand.

I am not included.

[InfiniteAtheist]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

My perp told me that I had done a very bad thing, and he promised not to tell if I didn't. I actually did try to tell my mom, but she wouldn't hear it. She told me that (at age 4) I was either telling an awful nasty lie because I'd been watching too much television, or I had seduced him and was a very bad girl. I told her I made the whole thing up. And to this day she believes that it was just a "phase" I went through where I told awful lies.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

It was a huge betrayal when my mom didn't believe me, but otherwise no. I keep expecting it though. I can't seem to relax, I just know someone who knows will use the knowledge to hurt me, or else that I'll be hurt again in the same way that HE hurt me.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I think that I did, but no one ever noticed. I guess since I was their first child, my parents didn't realize how odd my behavior was or something.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes. After 5 years with my man I still keep expecting him to hurt me, can't imagine why he'd love me, and even though there's no reason to think we won't last, I'm convinced that he'll leave me and I'll die alone. I'm trying to learn better with him and with my friends, but somewhere in the back of my mind there's always the idea that I can't trust anyone because they would be better off without me. I feel like they all must be using me, must want something from me, and they'll take it if I don't give it willingly. Once they don't need me for...whatever, anymore, they'll leave.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Sometimes I feel good about myself, but it seems like just when I start to feel like my life is worth something and I can make a difference and love and find happiness...something or someone will make me feel awful again. Someone will remind me that I'm nothing to them or anyone, only good for what I can offer. I suppose that they don't realize they are doing it, or mean to. But it doesn't change how I feel.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes. I have finally told the 4 people who matter the most to me. My bf told me that it was not his business and aside from one time he refuses to let me talk about it. He wants to pretend it never happened. My sister was and is very supportive. My younger cousin doesn't get it. She thinks I should be over it and said that "At least he didn't intentionally hurt you, that must really help." It doesn't. My older cousin I think was uncomfortable, but she is also a survivor and she best understands how I feel. Aside from telling them, I never talked to them about it. Knowing the general story is one thing. Hearing how much it still hurts would make me look weak I think.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't trust anyone.

[blondie2002]

1)Were you silenced by someone? All of my a*****s tried to shut me up. (Fortuneatly W wasn't successful)

2)Have others,besides the a*****s betrayed you? If you count my ex bff T,no longer talking to me b/c her bf doesn't like me (eventhough he's never met me)then yes.

3)Did you tell people in a way other than words about your abuse? Whenever I would see **, I'd start to As for M, I never wanted to be alone with him. I can't recall how told my mom that W had attempted to **** me. In B's case, considering that went to my grandma W's house @ 1am I'd say yes.

4)"The damage of a betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed,trusted nor expected to last?No

5)How do you see yourself now? I'd like to think I'm alot stronger emoitonally than I was 2 yrs ago.

6)Have you begun to tell others about your a****? What have your experiances been like? Yes I have and some have been negative. My bff,M and her sister T didn't call me for a while because they didn't know what to say to help me.

7)Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? I'm beggining to.

[DW123]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

.My uncle was my abuser. He silenced me by telling me that if I told anyone about the abuse, he'd get a knife and kill me.

2. Have others, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My ex girlfriend laughed when I told her what happened. She said I was making it up. She didn't believe that male rape happens too.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

.I started cutting myself, to the point that I ended up in hospital for a week because of it.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

.I'm not sure. I am in a stable relationship with my girlfriend Sarah, but it took a long time for me to be myself around her. As for my uncle, I am still scared of him, even though he's been dead for 2 years.

5. How do you see yourself now?

.Vulnerable, but a little stronger now that Sarah knows what happened.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

.I recently told Sarah. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but she was great. She's so strong, it amazes me how supportive she is. I'll always be grateful for that.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

.Trust is hard for me. I trust Sarah. I hate being alone with people I hardly know, like some of Sarah's friends when I met them, if she wasn't in the room I got really uncomfortable to be there. I scare myself sometimes, the thoughts I have, the nightmares, but I am beginning to trust myself more now.

Danny.

[Ingz]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I don't think anybody silenced me in a way. I just silence myself I think. Allthough I used to get these dreams where I was running or something from somebody and I would scream but no sound came out. I hear that's connected to the feeling to not be able to talk.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Yes. My ex best friend abandoned me when I got to remember a part of my assault because he wasn't ready to hear the details. He abandoned me when I needed him the most, when I was in the middle of a really bad breakdown.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I withdrew a little. I stopped feeling. I changed my clothing style. I just changed.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I have only had 3 relationships.

The first one was with a guy a little while before I came out as a lesbian, it lasted a week and had no sexual inimacy. I dumped him. The guy was head over heals for me but I had no feelings what so ever for him. He ended up stalking me.

The next was a girl. I had no feelings for her but I thought I wanted a relationship. I dumped her after about a month.

The third was with a girl. We were best friends and I actually think that I loved her. We had some pretty amaizing times together that sound more like a fairytale than reality. But we came to a mutual aggreement to end the relationship because the both of us were'nt ready for one.

I've been single for a little over a year now, but I've been keeping up some sexual activeness with one night stands while I was drunk. But the last time I had sex was last april.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I don't actually know exactly. I'm kind, willing to help others, a good listener, stubborn, patient, focked up emotionally and more things.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I've told very few people, but the poeple that I have told about it have been very supportive.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

Beginning to. I think I will always have a problem with it though.

[Jeze]

Thank you for posting these.

1. Were you silenced by someone?

Myself. I felt so awkward and afraid, and also by his nonchalant reaction to the whole situation. He didn't seem to acknowledge that anything had been done wrong, and I was afraid to challenge this belief.

2. Have others, besides the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuser?)

No, not directly. The closest thing I would say is my friend, who I told about the situation, who continues to put herself in positions where she's drunk and alone with random men. It feels almost like a betrayal, and I don't understand why she won't listen to me and protect herself. I'm really afraid for her.

3. Did you tell people in a way other than words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawal, etc.)

Chain smoking like mad.

4. The dammage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last. Do you agree with this statement, why or why not?

I think while it does do damage, that damage is not irreversible. You just need to work through it, and learn to trust again, but remain cautious of who you trust at the same time.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Stronger, older, but still struggling.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes. I had the most supportive reaction just two nights ago, when I told one of my best male friends. When I told him I had been raped, he was actually physically taken aback and tears sprung up automatically in his eyes. He asked what happened, and I couldn't look at him when I told him the story. There wasn't much immediate reaction, and I could tell that my story had really really upset him, which upset me. We moved on to other conversations, and the next day i noticed a difference in him. There's an added gentleness in his movements around me now, even just in the way he looks at me. I can tell he really cares, and thats probably the most touching thing ever. He's the only person I managed to tell in person.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

Yes, I trust myself. Others, I'm willing to trust most of them- but trust doesn't include wanting to be alone with them if theres any inkling that things could go bad.

[kg74400]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

Yes, by myself because of fear, my age, and avoidance. Also by one of my abusers, he said he would break up with me and I thought I would be alone forever and didnt deserve anything better.... so I stayed quiet. Again by others (outsiders) saying how great people my abusers were (of course, not knowing the real them) and always telling me how lucky I was to have them in my life, so I talked myself into believing what was happening wasnt real.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Yes, friends after hearing the stories of the "real" me. And ex-partners who used my vulnerability to benefit them.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Yes. As a child I "told" others through my major anger and physically getting upset (kicking, holding my breath, hitting myself)

As a teen and adult, becoming withdrawn from others, anger, binge eating, cutting, failing classes.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I used to believe that statement more in the past and still do on my bad days. It takes a large intentional effort for me to be able to think differently, but it is coming more and more naturally now. Through therapy and true friendships, I am beginning to have positive experiences with others.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Self image is one of my biggest issues at this point... I can honestly say I really hate myself and who I am. Both Individual therapy and Group Therapy are helping me to participate in self care and love.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I have over the past year. The experiences have been very positive for the most part, causing others to be more understanding as well as able to make a connection with me. Other experiences have been negative because some people have used my vulnerability against me.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I do trust myself, most of the time. Other times I feel like I am so "crazy" I cant trust myself. I am beginning to trust others, I trust people initially then as they learn more about me and as the relationships progress, I start to question everything they do or say.

[daybydaybyday]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I only told one friend then, because I didn't want anyone else to know. The one that picked me up knew, but we never really talked about it after I told him I didn't want to talk about it and I just wanted to get to his house so I could sleep (I couldn't face by family). He at least knew that there was a lot of bad stuff going on, because I was crying, my shirt was ripped and I had walked over a mile before I even realized I didn't have my shoes on.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Sometimes I feel like my husband is betraying me, because he acts like it's not a big deal and has asked when I'm going to get over it.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I withdrew some, but I tried really hard to appear the same on the outside. I was terrified that my mom would find out and think it was my fault. I avoided my house as much as possible on the weekends when my sister was home from college, because I was afraid she would find out.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I have a really hard time trusting anyone, and I think part of it stems from that.

5. How do you see yourself now?

That depends on the day. I view myself as pretty strong most of the time. I feel like I've dealt with this largely by myself for six years, so I can deal with anything. But then the nightmares come and I can't sleep with my light and TV off, and realize that maybe I'm not dealing with it quite as effectively as I had hoped. During the day I'm confident that I'm strong, and handling things well.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

In real life, I have told very few people. My husband and I were already married before I told him the first time, and even now we very rarely talk about it.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't trust anyone except for my sister, but I've never told her, so maybe I don't even fully trust her. I think the reason I haven't told her is because I don't want her to hurt, but I'm not positive on that.

I trust myself sometimes, but never fully. It seems like I'm always reminding myself that my choices aren't always good ones or I never would have put myself in that situation.

Edited April 30, 2015 by daybydaybyday

[loveveryday]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

When it first happened I didn't tell anyone. He made me feel like a complete idiot.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My mom says i'm lucky. She always tells me it could have been worse. What could be worse then having everything taken away from you? What could possibly be worse than having no control over your body? I understand other people have worse stories then mine, but I can't imagine feeling any worse then I do.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I don't trust anyone. I don't open up anymore. I don't really have any friends anymore.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes, I was betrayed by someone I thought I loved. I'm not sure if I am really capable of loving anyone anymore.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I feel like a liar. I have a new boyfriend and part of me thinks I am only with him because he has been there in the past. I know I can trust him and I know he loves me. He is a safe choice. I'm terrified. I feel as though if I don't stay with him I will be alone forever. Who really wants to be alone? I don't. I'm miserable a lot.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I started to tell my mom, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole truth. She knows it started to happen but I told her it didn't go all the way. Before now, I have never told anyone it actually happened.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust my boyfriend. I don't trust myself though. I don't think I love him I feel as though I am using him. I feel terrible because he doesn't deserve it. He is so good to me, I just don't feel like I deserve him. I don't want to hurt him. I'm not good for him though. I don't think that I am good for anyone anymore.

[KitteH]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I would say that my desire to just let the court come to their verdict without further involvement by me was silenced. I was told by my partner and his parents that if I valued the relationship and if I loved my partner, I would show up in court and tell the magistrate that I want the Apprehended Violence Order revoked.

2. Have others, besides the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My partner's parents told me I could trust and rely on them, that they love me as their own family. To later be told that their son's choice of actions are my fault and that I was the one who caused all this trouble was to have my trust, love and respect betrayed.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I withdrew from a lot of things. I would decline invitations to go out with my girl friends, I preferred my drawing class above all else because it was the one class where I could be left alone and concentrate on creating something instead of reliving flashbacks. I became uninterested in my studies and unmotivated; I went from credit-average student to crappy bare passes.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Agree. Because I feel like an idiot for having opened up and given my trust, hope and love. All my life I never wore my heart on my sleeve until I met my partner.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I thought I was getting better, but I see myself at the moment as someone who is quick to anger and irritation now. Maybe it's because I still haven't been able to forgive myself for not fighting back hard enough to get him off me, but whenever I have flashbacks to those memories I imagine reacting violently enough in response so that at least in those memories he didn't get to hurt me.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Most of my friends and family can't believe that it happened. I've been told that I'm too soft-hearted, too patient and too trusting. And of course, from his parents it's been nothing short of a "this whole thing is all your fault".

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't have a problem trusting anyone except guys who are interested in me. I guess I'm afraid that it's all going to be just another manipulative rouse. I don't really trust me either.

[ashleyowanicole]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I think I have silenced myself more than I have been silenced, I for a long time was my own worst enemy so to speak. My first abuser, didn't as much silence me as tell me that what was taking place was normal, therefore I believed there wasn't anything to be silenced. He also though wouldn't allow me to cry, even if I had just scrapped my knee or whatever else, so I supposed that could also be considered silenced.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Betrayed. Well besides the typical high school drama and back stabbing that I think every teenage girl goes through, probably the biggest betrayal has come from my mother, a few times..

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Oh gosh, if only I could have been my own friend or family member. I had red flags everywhere. With OCD, eating disorders, self mutilation, anxiety. I have been a mess.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Hmm wow, this is one that can be talked about for probably hours. I have come to expect the worst from people because of my past, however I also try to give everyone a chance and benefit of the doubt. What if its not that relationships in general fail, what if instead its the relationships we choose. Abuse is often a vicious cycle, and often our narrative and our feelings of ourselves dont allow us to enjoy a good relationship. I may have to talk about this one again.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Honestly some days are much better than others, and some days I am just ridiculously proud of myself but than there are days that are awful. I think that comes with everything thats taken place. I think Im on the right road to starting actually liking myself again though.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I have only told less than a handful of people, and the people I chose to tell were ones I knew would either say nothing at all or not judge, so I have sort of controlled the experience I would have. I have yet to tell my story on this site, but Im sure that will be a graceful experience.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? I always thought I trusted myself, but there wasn't anything to trust if that makes sense, I didn't have anything that told me that there was something wrong with a relationship or that I was being treated badly, so now that Im actually starting to have that, I do find myself second guess myself just because its something new. As far as other people, I do believe there is good in every heart, but I do indeed have many deep seeded trust issues.

[stillstrong]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

The only person that silenced me was myself. I blocked out my memories of my abuse until I was in my 30's.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

I think that every adult in my family betrayed me in some way, for standing by while a whole generation of girls were sexually abused by one pedophile and 2 male cousins. I especially feel my mother was not ever there for me and she abused me emotionally and physically.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Yep, I was the model student and daughter. Then I would SI and drink.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I completely agree with this statement. I have no real relationships in my life, and I constantly struggle with this. I cannot make connections with people because I am so closed off. I am so afraid of intimacy, abandonment, and for someone to see the real (rotten) me I keep a protective wall around my heart.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I finally see that I need people, I need connections and I need people to see the real me. Before I just thought I didn't need anyone, that I could through my whole life without needing anyone.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

The first person I told was my therapist, her reaction was perfect, I couldn't ask for a better reaction. I then told my cousin, my husband, and one friend. It was a mixed bag. My cousin was great, my husband...getting better. When I shared with my friend she just kind of walked away. That bothered me so after a bit I said that she hurt me with her silence, and I need her to be there for me. One year ago I would have just cut her out and never talked to her again. So that was a big step for me.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

In general I do not trust anyone. I am learning to trust but very selectively. I am taking small steps. I am also working on trusting myself, by quitting drinking and SI'ing I have come a long way toward trusting myself.

[junglebook]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

My first attacker told me if I told anyone he would kill me. My second attacker told me he would "make it so I couldn't make the same mistake again". I have told a couple of my closest friends, and my current boyfriend, but no one else. This month is the 5 year anniversary and I always told myself I would tell my family when it had been 5 years, but I don't think I will be able to. I think my mother and sister know something happened, but don't know what exacly.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

On the 3 year anniversary of my second attack, I told one of my friends I was upset about it. She told me to get over it, because that kind of thing happens to people all the time and it was no big deal. I also quit talking to the other 2 people I told about it.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I have withdrawn completely from my friends, and 5 years later it is still the same. Immediately after the attacks, I spent most of my time locked in my room and didn't talk to people, and quit eating. I dropped down to about 95 pounds, and am just now starting to get back to where I should be. I have tried stopping the withdrawing, but it is so hard to get back to the outgoing bubbly person I was before everything happened.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I used to believe that, I always assumed that every guy I dated wanted that same thing. It was only recently that I have realized not everyone is like that. I have been dating the same man for 2 and a half years now and it was within the last few months I began to accept he isn't out to hurt me that same way.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I am growing stronger every day, but I have noticed that every few months, it regresses and I fall into a deep depression and withdraw from everyone and everything. Someone told me that if you don't report the crime right away, you can still press charges up to 5 years later. July 1st was the 5 year mark for my first attack, and September 11th is the 5 year mark for the second attack. I feel like that will be a huge milestone, and I am afraid that if its not, I will be disappointed and fall into that depression again. I think I always looked at this year as being the time it would stop affecting me and I would be over it completely, and I'm starting to realize that most likely won't be the case.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I told 3 of my friends, but none of the details. My first attack was by the brother of one of those friends, we don't talk anymore; friend two was best friends with that friend, so I don't talk to her anymore. The second attack was the best friend of friend three. We don't talk anymore either. But I also told the man I am currently dating, and he has been completely supportive of it. I sometimes have night terrors, and will scream and cry in the middle of the night. Everytime I do, he will wake me up and hold me close and talk me through it. I haven't had an episode like that in over a year, thanks to him. He has been such a huge help in me getting through this.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I'm learning. I have realized I don't trust strangers, or other girls. I always assume girls are going to stir things up and start drama, as that's what the girls I told did. But I seem to trust men that I knew before the attacks more than anyone now. As for trusting myself, not at all. I am constantly wondering about ways to hurt myself. I have never acted on any of it, but that is where my mind usually is. I have also noticed I haven't been wanting to eat as much, and I'm afraid I am also falling back to my eating disorder.

I have a lot of work to do.

Answering these questions has helped a lot.

Thank you so much for posting them.

((hugs))

[divine.ffdd]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

speech impediment took care of that.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

i don't want to blame the other victims, i dont know anyone else specifically but someone had to have suspected something

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

i had a lot of anger and withdrew a lot, one or two suicide attempts when i was younger

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

it's true for me, i can't connect with anybody deeply at any level

5. How do you see yourself now?

really hollow and empty,

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

only online a couple of times, no one i know in real life knows

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

i trust my self in certain aspects, i dont trust anyone

[Guest Telcontar]

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was not specifically silenced by someone with regards to my abuse; I was silenced by my own sweet naïveté. I was silenced indirectly by the illusion that it was all a game, so I did not tell for games are surely not bad things.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

No, unless you count my mother snooping trough my papers a couple months ago and discovering that I had been abused. I was not ready for that conversation.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Not at the time, being only around eight years old, but now my self-harm is a way of expressing that my life is not and never has been perfect. I try not to do it, but...

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Whose conviction is this? I do not agree with it, for I know of many families who are happy and whole and untouched and lasting and honest.

5. How do you see yourself now?

As a teenager questioning their gender, who constantly acts a part for the sake of others, even though with every passing day the lines become more complex, the play more intense, the meaning fades away.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

My mother knows about my abuse as she snooped through my things; as you can imagine, this is a very negative experience for me. I do not want her to know about what happened. And others? I think I would be comfortable telling a stranger, but not a friend, and I would not say that it was my brother who abused me. I have forgiven him, and don't want people to hold it against him (however, if he ever has children I like to think I would tell his partner about what he once did to me, in case there is a risk of more).

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust some, maybe even most, other people, with the exception of my mother. I trust my stepfamily and my siblings and my family at church. I trust them more than I trust myself.

[goingcrazy7]

After you guys were sexually assaulted did anyone repress the memory? I did that and I know that it happens, but I don't get why I did it. I know obviously I wanted it to have not happened. IT was a guy I was dating and I kept seeing him and I couldn't figure out why I was so angry and hated him even touching my foot. He disgusted me and annoyed me. It wasn't until my mom asked me why I was so angry that it all came back to me. I was just wondering if anyone else experienced the same thing??