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Still fighting

Posted by Iammealways , 07 October 2010 · 124 views

I am okay. I have my days. My perpetrator is still trying to convince me it wasn't rape. Lots of messed up stuff was told to me as a kid, and I'm fighting that off now. Having trust issues. Feeling afraid that I will get hurt again. My therapist is mad at me for crying about it. Feeling confused. My parents left me when I was young as well after a CSA situation. I guess that means, that I have dealt better than they could, because I had to face things and it was easier for them to leave. Raped again in my life. Perpetrator called and degraded me in front of other guys. Feeling ashamed to be a woman. Wondering if it's okay to mourn what was lost now. A good friend of mine said to me indirectly, "you don't have to be what they wanted, because it wasn't in the best interest for you." He is a good friend and surprisingly as a guy, very understanding. Feel like a failure in my life, because my sister has it together and I'm still struggling. That's how I felt-alone wondering if this was supposed to happen. But now, I have a good friend helping me. Because, everyone had left me to face this by myself for while, didn't realize that it would be this bad. Maybe I thought I deserved it. That's what I'm fighting-saying I didn't deserve this. I am reclaiming the little girl and woman who was hurt and taking care of her now. Thanks, dear guy friend.

Oct 07 2010 11:29 PM

"you don't have to be what they wanted, because it wasn't in the best interest for you."

Those really are words worth remembering.

I'm happy you have such a great friend :)
I can relate to so, so much of what you're saying on here. Let me tell you--YES--it is ok to cry and mourn. If your T or anyone is telling you otherwise, they're wrong. And of course your perpetrator is saying it wasn't rape. He's not going to want to fess that up, but if you know the truth, you're the one left with the feelings--you have the right to call it what it is without his guilt and denial being in the way. I want you to know that it's okay to feel and mourn. I'm glad you're blogging about it. Writing and getting support on this site helps me a lot, too. I hope that you have a good day and keep fighting through these feelings and working through them. Be gentle with yourself--you're not a failure in life. If you were a failure, you wouldn't be bothering with trying to heal.


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