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From: Sibling Abuse/ Incest- Telling the Truth

Posted by robinsonjd11 , 27 August 2012 · 55 views


I tried to write in this topic before but my computer deleted what I wrote before I could post. At first, I took it as a sign that I shouldn't write this down but I know it will just continue to eat at me until there is nothing left. I don't if what happened to me would qualify as abuse. Me and the people who hurt me were all children, but I need to get this out anyway. When I was a kid so many bad things happened to me. I didn't like them or want them to happen but most of the time I just felt like I had no choice. The People who did those things to me were my brothers and their friends, and their ages ranged from a year younger than me to grown men. I wish I could forget this stuff but its sticks in my memory and I can't let it go. I was just a kid. I wasn't even in kindergarten when it started. My first time having sex was 5 or 6, and I can't exactly remember the age I was when I was first touched. I just remember how much I hated it I remember how I much I wanted to die or just disappear. I remember wishing God would just take me away and let live with him. I hated them and that stuff so much. I hated being touched and made to do those things. I hated being locked in the room with them and them making me touch them and them touching me and sticking their things inside me and taking turns. I hated the pain and I just wanted them to stop but they never did. I hate laying their own the couch as my brothers' friends laid on top of me and forced me to be with them. I never understood why she didn't come out of that room and stop them. Why she didn't save me. I hated her for it and I knew if I told her or anyone else they would just blame me. I was supposed to be the good girl in the family. I used to feel so sick afterwards and I remember one time when I nine or so that I thought I was pregnant. I didn't even know what that meant back then, but I knew where babies came from. I was so scared that I would get in trouble that I climbed to the top of my bump bed and threw myself off of it hoping to land on my stomach and make the baby go away. I knew what was happening was wrong and even when I got old enough to stop it, I couldn't because I was afraid. I was afraid everyone would hate me and think of me as a disgusting, horrible person so I never told. I would tell myself it was my fault and if I really wanted it to stop then it would have stopped, even though I know that is not true. The weird part is I still love my brothers to death. I can't be around them a lot because of the memories and have stopped talking to my entire family and live far away, but I still love them so much. I tell myself that we were all just kids and we had it rough growing up and they didn't know how bad they hurt me, but I can't stop the anger feel for them at times. I see them with my nieces on the rare occasions I do go back, and I am so afraid that they will hurt them like they hurt me, even though they seem like great fathers. We were just kids. I can't blame them, can I? Yet, I hate myself so much for it and so many more bad things have happened because of it. I lost my innocence and I can't get it back. It's hard for me to even believe that anyone can or will every love me. I feel like I am nothing and will always be nothing. What I really just can't understand is if we were all just kids, and we didn't know any better, why do I still feel this way all these years later? :confused: :tear:

Source: Sibling abuse/incest



Wow, I am terribly sorry as well that this happen. This is quite scary because I had gone through something similar with my sibling and it all began when I was about 6. I am 20 and I still feel at fault and even angry/upset/disgusted/weirded out that it did happen. After reading that you do not speak to your family is a bit ironic because I always visualize that I will be hated or just distance myself when I tell. I also still love my brother as well and this is what makes me feel guilty. Deep down, I try not to hate him because he was young too and sometimes when I come across photos of him as a child, I get upset and angry. I wonder who and why did someone take advantage of him. I hate saying this, but perhaps your brother and his friends were taken advantage of by other(s). A pastor even told me that the person who molested/raped/assaulted/took advantage of someone else was in fact a victim themselves.


Know that I am hear and I will do my best to be a good ear, listening. I hope you can overcome this, knowing that you are a lot stronger than you are :hug:
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johnfinster
Jan 02 2014 08:20 PM

Take heart, kind and loving soul.

 

You know, simply by the fact that you are willing and able to talk about it means you are healing. Look at what you have written. The facts themselves are horrible, terrible. It's true. Surely you must know there are so many of us who can relate. Even when there are so many who act as if they cannot. I'm so glad to have found your post.

 

By putting your feelings into words, here, no matter how negative the past seems, you have created something very real for yourself. It's proof, right before your very eyes that you are more than anything that has ever happened to you.

 

It may be or may never ever be what someone else first finds attractive about you. That's the nature of sexual attraction. This isn't an online dating sight and I'm not trying to pick you up. That you have put your experience into words, beginning here, in what is a safe and nurturing environment, means that the real you, the strong and beautiful survivor-you has found a way to express the love you have to give through the power of your own voice. And after the glow wears off bit, that's the only you that people really ever want to know.

 

That you are willing to share your experience is empowering to me because I'm a man who has struggled all his life with his own childhood sexual abuse. The femininity that was foisted on me by my abuser is in a way redeemed by the survivor that is emerging from within you. It is the pure power of life which can only express itself through a truly feminine person.

 

It doesn't turn me on at all -- it awes me. It inspires me. It makes me glad I decided to come here. I hope you are too :-)

Sorry for your pain.  My brothers were being abuse reactive....meaning someone abused them, then they abused me.  So I have empathy for their pain, but I validate the pain and anguish it has caused me.

 

I hope you can love yourself, and then life will become better. 

 

No we can't get our childhood back, but we can create a new pureness within ourselves as we move through this journey.  That pureness allows us to see the goodness in life.  We can move further and further away from the origin of pain, and closer and closer to happiness.

 

Take care of yourself with kindness.  Heal yourself as slow as you need to in order to heal correctly, and fast enough to bring yourself peace.

 

Orchid.

October 2014

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