I had my first day of orientation week at university today. It feels great finally getting on with my life after it's been side-tracked so badly.
It wasn't a good day for me though. Every time I start something new I enter into it with a decidedly ambitious and optimistic perspective of my capabilities. I look at everything as an opportunity to find myself a definition that separates me from my past, an opportunity to meet new people and open myself up to the world, to the experiences I could be having.
I've had a similar feeling for weeks that uni is a new start for me, that it's an opportunity for me to engage with my peers and act my age and most importantly to have fun and enjoy my life. But being myself I naturally keep my eyes to the floor all day. I keep my headphones and sunglasses on for as long as I can, and I avoid eye-contact at all costs.
And now I feel like an alien, like I'll never have fulfilling and honest relationships. Like I'll never be able to participate in casual conversations and laugh at peoples' stupid jokes.
I'm also struggling with feelings of abandonment today. Not that I feel like I've been abandoned, but whenever I get close to people, and open up to them it seems like they take a few steps back from me. This has been pretty hard for me because when I open up it tears apart my soft scars, and then I have no one to heal them up.
I'm feeling selfish for involving my friends so much in my personal problems, and I've realized that ultimately we're all alone here. All struggling with our own scars and desperately clawing at each other for help. I'll hold anyone's head under water if it keeps me afloat I guess. My two closest friends are extremely depressed, so there's really no one I can depend on. They have their own issues to deal with, that are just as important as mine and I can't be there for them just like they can't be for me.
It feels like everything is kind of falling apart for me at the moment. I've been idle for the last few weeks, since I lost my job, and what they say about idle hands is definitely true. It'll be good to get back to immersing myself in study. Trying to find somewhere to eventually be.
I've been thinking a lot about SU lately, in the past, I'm not in a crisis. Sometimes I think I'm lucky to be so empathetic, and to have people who love me. Other times I think I'm unlucky for the same reason.
I've also been eating a lot for the last few weeks, not in a good way, In a comfort way. But I got my period today for the first time in about four months, which is really strange.
I've been wearing one of the shirts I was raped in for the last few days. Not exactly sure why. It feels comforting for some reason. Which is strange. It's even got cum and blood stains on it. Not sure why I even kept it. I can be a strange person sometimes.
I've been so numb lately it's driving me mad. The only time I ever feel anymore is when I'm having sex or when I'm terrified.