I don't feel safe, I don't trust, I feel like I have lost something, but I don't know what. A lot happened, which I cannot write about here, I am not ready. I like my new therapist, it is more about the old one, but it has contaminated the new therapy. Nothing feels particularly safe anymore. I feel terrified. I am terrified of my new therapist, I am afraid of her getting mad at me, I am afraid of her abandoning me, I am afraid of her rejecting me. I am afraid of her not liking what I say. I am afraid of her not liking me.
I feel sometimes I am saying what I think she wants to hear, like I am trying to please her, be a "good client" and do what she wants me to do. Rationally and logically I know I don't need to, but I do. There is part of me that is terrified of her, that really thinks she is going to hurt me.
I am fighting against it the best I can and losing. Right now I just want to call her and tell her I quit, find a new therapist and go through the motions.
I want to withdraw, I want to withdraw back into my shell when I let no one in. I want to go back to before, before I started all of this, back to when it was all buried. I don't want to let anyone in, I don't want to share, I don't want to express, I don't want to process. I want it all to be gone. I want to be silent.
I feel like I can dissociate from it, I can minimize it, not believe it, convince myself none of it ever happened. Or I can focus on how much I want to die, I can focus on that pain, on that option which is not really an option. But I cannot focus on it.
It paralyzes me. When I sit in the reality of it all, I freeze, I can't even think. It is a complete nothingness. It is utter hell.
I am tired of it
Sometimes I just feel to broken. I feel unrepairable, the damage is to great, the wounds are to deep. And then I get mad at myself for thinking that way, it feels like some sort of overdramatic pity party. I don't want that.
And ESU wrote a book. A book about his "religion" which he is a religious leader in. How god spoke to him and showed him this path. I have no intention of buying it or reading it, but in the description it talks about how to lead a joyful abundant life. I want to write a review, I want to say I don't think repeatedly raping children over multiple years is how to get there. But maybe thats just me?
I don't understand it, I don't understand how he can be this moral authority, others look up to him, respect him, see him as this wonderful person. How can they not see it? How can the truth not be revealed? And I feel like a coward because I am not revealing him
I am just tired.