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I want to. More appropriately, I want to cry. I can't-and haven't for over two years. My eyes are hot and I cannot really safely cry-Id have to be triggered in order to cry. Speaking of which....
Guns trigger the shit outta me. I hear them cock, (i just heard one on tv and I am not doing too good right now) and I am back in that kitchen, with my rapist telling me to do as he says, or I will get blown to peices.
I no longer paint my nails in bright colors. Oh, I have them, and I never use them. Black, beige, dark purple, those are the colors I currently use. I don;t deserve bright colors. I have them-I just cant wear them. You see, wearing them would make others think I am beautiful, and how can I live with that when I feel like the ugliest person. I buy salon polish-doesn't chip, and I am not wearing it to make me happy.
I wear baggy clothes-dark, heavy, clothes that take away from my looks. I just fade into the wallpaper. I need to move on but its soooo hard that I can't imagine it on my own.
I sleep a lot. Peircings and tattoos no longer bother me. I have both and I feel like I deserve anything to take my mind away.
I hate discovering who this new person is-adapting to her needs, her mannerisms. I liked the old person. I was comfortable with her. How do I go back? How do I change time??
Guns trigger the shit outta me. I hear them cock, (i just heard one on tv and I am not doing too good right now) and I am back in that kitchen, with my rapist telling me to do as he says, or I will get blown to peices.
I no longer paint my nails in bright colors. Oh, I have them, and I never use them. Black, beige, dark purple, those are the colors I currently use. I don;t deserve bright colors. I have them-I just cant wear them. You see, wearing them would make others think I am beautiful, and how can I live with that when I feel like the ugliest person. I buy salon polish-doesn't chip, and I am not wearing it to make me happy.
I wear baggy clothes-dark, heavy, clothes that take away from my looks. I just fade into the wallpaper. I need to move on but its soooo hard that I can't imagine it on my own.
I sleep a lot. Peircings and tattoos no longer bother me. I have both and I feel like I deserve anything to take my mind away.
I hate discovering who this new person is-adapting to her needs, her mannerisms. I liked the old person. I was comfortable with her. How do I go back? How do I change time??
amandaunderthepink likes this
1 Comments On This Entry
I hope that time will heal your wounds, as it has (somewhat) done for me. I use therapy and support systems to speed the process. Keep writing and talking about it, I think ti will help. we can do it together. 
endlessocean,
26 December 2012 - 02:34 AM
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About my blog
This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
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