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I wish you were here

Posted by one.day. , 18 July 2013 · 180 views

:trigger: I feel so embarrassed. I'm just sitting here, crying and typing. I don't want to be alone tonight. I just feel absolutely defeated. Can you ever get past the grief? I miss my sister so so much. Its still like yesterday.

What if she just become a blurred out memory? I don't want to ever forget her. I'm so frightened how things have slipped away. I just want her to hold me, stroke my hair and hear her voice: telling me I'm safe, I'm here. But for now, I'm counting stars and I know she's doing the same.

I can't hear her guitar playing, her singing in the shower, the smell of burning toast. I can't even remember the smell of her perfume properly, I can't remember how we survived.

I wish I could burn her last moments out of my mind. I wish I could of helped her, saved her like she always did for me. I wish she wasn't alone. I wish I hadn't of hurt her. I wish I could of stopped it. But most of all, I wish she was happy and here with me.

I do remember leaving her, leaving her with him, I remember every promise that I broke, I remember what I did, I remember the pain

You are not to blame hun please know that ok the blame only belongs to one hun not you to him your sister would never want you to blame yourself never hun Hugs to you
Your sadness is palpable...but blame and shame have no role in our lives. You are not to blame...nor would she want you to do that to yourself. You have enough pain to fill your heart, don't add more. We all have regrets, but give yourself a break. Think of all the good things you did for her and with her, and try and hold tight to those memories. Those are the ones worth dreaming about.

Thank you Betsy and Fairies. :metoyou: its just hard (as silly as that sounds). I just feel selfish that really its the anniversary of my brother :candle: but all I wanted was Nics my sister.

That is exactly how I was feeling last night, I could not even ask someone to be with me. But I am sending a hug your way if thats okay with you. :hug:
I'm sorry Zinhle, safe :hug: (if its ok?) And thank you

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