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Redemption

Posted by raw&burnt , 15 February 2010 · 50 views

Redemption

The word came at me and made me realized that that was wanted from him.
I wanted all the people who told me that he was a decent guy to have a strong argument, but all they could say was, "He's a decent guy". After what he did to me, anything and everything about him was trumped by his abusive act, and his old self was dead to me. This new person, this being who thought that I "was saying no", but I "was losing", became real and was who I knew.

Nobody could convince me that he was a good guy, that he was decent or that he was a good friend. You can't convince anyone that their perpetrator is good; you can't cast a good light on your abuser and toss away what you knew about them. They might as well have said that it's normal and perfectly okay to abuse you and that you're just being a big suck about it.

If he had said or done something to redeem himself then I'd have forgiven him, but being arrogant and unremorseful about his abusive actions disgusted me. I never wanted it, I never liked it and I never consented to him. To me, he was a complete liar and everybody who's blind loyalty went towards him was completely ignorant. The world was divided into two: the ignorant and the malicious, and there were times where everyone was both.

As far as I'm concerned, he meant to hurt me by his actions and his words. He didn't care that I didn't want/like/consent to it and he knew he could get away with it because of people's ignorance.

These are my obsessive thoughts.

Also:

There's a local performer, one who also performed in "The Vagina Monologues" years ago, who writes books of poetry dealing with her sexual abuse. I almost want to talk to her for some help, but she's very religious and her posts mention god and all that. For her it works and helps her through, but I'd want to trust someone that won't tell me what I should believe and that I'm a heathen, etc. I don't need another people to betray me. I feel like I can't go to anyone. When I think I can, a reason pops into my head and I get scared. I don't need the trauma to go any deeper.

I haven't been here in a while. Boy does this place look different. Then again, I think I came here just last week or so, so how did it change so quickly?



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~e.rikayla~
Feb 15 2010 03:57 AM
Girl u can talk 2 me, you may not no me and I dont no u but thats exactly what happend 2 me both of my abusers I didnt actually no but the lies and the shit that came out of them and other people I didnt know who I could trust or where to turn. My assult was last year I have been going to a counsellor 4 6 months and this is my last month :) Im not all over it and I probably never will be but atm i am the best i ever could be. so plzzz talk 2 me not just 4 ur sake but Id like 2 talk 2 some1. And dw I aint a christian :)
Erin
Thanks for your reply. It feels good to be validated. It seems like the whole world is against me, that I don't matter, that what I say & feel is ridiculous, that .......well, that I deserved it for some reason. I know I didn't, but that I had many people have such a low opinion of me, that nobody was on my side, that it was all in his favour, that until he tells the truth, I was considered a big fat liar, that I only wanted money from him because as I woman that's all I want from a man, that I thought he raped me because my beauty caused it, that I'm delusional, that my views about sexual assault are all wrong. Everything that anyone knew about me was thrown out in place of horrible and ignorant stereotypes. I fear if I trust anyone else that they'll turn on me too.
I wish I could crank out a book, a movie, an art project to get this out of my system. It happened 12 years ago and I'm still not over it. I'll never forgive him, nor the people who didn't believe me, especially my neighbours because that's all they really were, not my friends in the end. The whole world turned up-side down after the ugly incident. I don't know what to think of men anymore. For all I know, the men in my family have sexually assaulted someone and weren't made responsible for it. Even women, for I can't confide in anyone it seems. If I didn't have this site to visit on occasion, I don't know how else I'd cope. I wish a psychiatrist could open me up, tell me what's wrong then remove the trauma; I wish I could go back in time and not leave my room that Xmas day.
Thanks for letting me babble about this.

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