The problem is there is a huge part of me that does not want to change. Part of me wants to stay where I am, it is safe and comfortable. But I know I can't, literally I can't, it isn't possible any longer. But I don't know where to be and that is the problem, i feel stuck between places and unsure of where I am headed or what I will meet on the way. In many ways it seems impossible, it feels like there is so much, to much, it is overwhelming.
I realize how deep this is, how entrenched I have been in this place, all of my life really. It is not as simple as up and moving, I need to purge, I need to sort, I need to organize. I live with false beliefs that have been there for decades, they won't go away in a matter of days just because I will them to. And in some ways I don't want them to go away. I wonder what if they are true? What if what I am left with is so strange and foreign that I don't recognize my self at all? I am holding onto an identity that has been my only identity.
I have talked in therapy about getting to a place where I am able to live with my story. To me this means getting to a place where it does not overwhelm me in the way it does now. Where I can talk about it and think about it in a way that does not take me over. Right now I still feel terror, I still feel shame, I still to some extent blame myself. A lot of the old stuff is still there. Dealing with that is the focus. And the anger. I am always avoiding the anger
What I really want to do is write out my story. From beginning to end, tell it all. I am struggling with starting. It feels big and unwieldy. I told much of it on my old blog, but that was before I remembered what I know now. At the time I remembered very little, and not nearly as much as I know now. Which I just hope is everything. I cannot get myself to begin. I want to hand write it. For some reason this feels different then typing, typing is easier to dissociate from. I can type and not feel connection to the words on the screen. I cannot do that with writing. Hand writing is more visceral for me.
My therapist suggested I start out in little pieces, maybe even start with a timeline of some kind. It does not even have to be a narrative.
I think I just want the process to be over. It is like I can see what is at the end in a way, but I don't want to do the middle. The middle is what scares me.