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Little Pieces

Posted by chelirach , 12 June 2012 · 159 views

I am in a strange place that I cannot really define. I feel stuck in the middle of something uncertain of how to move forward or what to do. I make starts and come up blank. It is bizarre I have been oddly motivated and productive lately in certain areas of my life. But I don't feel like I have, I don't feel good about it. If anything I feel negative and resentful and I am not certain why. it makes little sense to me how I feel right now. I focus on what I am not doing, or what I should be doing, or on what still needs to be done. Then i overanalyze everything and second guess myself ridiculously. Over everything, the smallest little choice I make.

The problem is there is a huge part of me that does not want to change. Part of me wants to stay where I am, it is safe and comfortable. But I know I can't, literally I can't, it isn't possible any longer. But I don't know where to be and that is the problem, i feel stuck between places and unsure of where I am headed or what I will meet on the way. In many ways it seems impossible, it feels like there is so much, to much, it is overwhelming.

I realize how deep this is, how entrenched I have been in this place, all of my life really. It is not as simple as up and moving, I need to purge, I need to sort, I need to organize. I live with false beliefs that have been there for decades, they won't go away in a matter of days just because I will them to. And in some ways I don't want them to go away. I wonder what if they are true? What if what I am left with is so strange and foreign that I don't recognize my self at all? I am holding onto an identity that has been my only identity.

I have talked in therapy about getting to a place where I am able to live with my story. To me this means getting to a place where it does not overwhelm me in the way it does now. Where I can talk about it and think about it in a way that does not take me over. Right now I still feel terror, I still feel shame, I still to some extent blame myself. A lot of the old stuff is still there. Dealing with that is the focus. And the anger. I am always avoiding the anger

What I really want to do is write out my story. From beginning to end, tell it all. I am struggling with starting. It feels big and unwieldy. I told much of it on my old blog, but that was before I remembered what I know now. At the time I remembered very little, and not nearly as much as I know now. Which I just hope is everything. I cannot get myself to begin. I want to hand write it. For some reason this feels different then typing, typing is easier to dissociate from. I can type and not feel connection to the words on the screen. I cannot do that with writing. Hand writing is more visceral for me.

My therapist suggested I start out in little pieces, maybe even start with a timeline of some kind. It does not even have to be a narrative.

I think I just want the process to be over. It is like I can see what is at the end in a way, but I don't want to do the middle. The middle is what scares me.

(((Chelirach))) I can relate to much of this especially the part about the middle. It is scary. I wish there were a way to skip over it! The known and unknown collide in this place. There will be different outcomes for all of us here. I will be listening and offering support my friend.

Much Love! :hug: :hug: :hug:
I can sooooo relate to this. I have thought this exact same thing. Writing out my story again with a new lens. I totally get this-- it is like being in limbo or purgatory. I am here listening to whatever pieces come out.
Jun 12 2012 08:27 PM
I think writing your story out again will be an important part for your healing. I totally understand the difference between just typing and actually handwriting. Writing it by hand slows you down and it does connect you to the words. Writing things by hand can be very powerful.

I think it is amazing you can see what is at the end. That is progress! It's so hard to see what is on the other side, for the longest time for me I didn't even believe there was another side. Being able to see it is hugely important.

I think your therapist is right about doing it in small pieces. Can you write yourself a note or letter of encouragement before you start writing your story? Put in the reminders of what is at the end, and that you don't have to do it all at once, and that it's okay to be scared. You aren't alone with it, you have support. You can read the note when the writing gets hard.

I am sorry you are scared, and that this is so very hard. I completely get wanting it to be over with.
Jun 13 2012 01:03 AM
I really relate to this quite a lot. I think part of writing it is just being able to come to terms with your story, but if you are afraid of change, if you don't want things to change, seeing that story is obviously going to be really difficult for you. I agree that writing by hand makes you more connected to what is being written and I do think that is probably one cause of procrastination...it's scary to feel connected to your own past. Just keep in mind that it's important to stay safe, so even if all you can do is write one sentence down for the week, do that. Don't push your-self to the point where you'll be miserable and triggered be-cause it's not worth it. This isn't a home-work assignment; it is some-thing you can take your time with and concentrate on, so just be safe and go easy on your-self. Some-times, putting more pressure on just makes the task far more difficult, so remember there is no one pressuring you to write this. It is your story, on your time-table, and you have control over when and how much you will write. Take care.
thinking of you cheli and here for you through this. different context, but i could relate very much too....i'm in that place which has the illusion of being safe and comfortable, and scared sh*tless of the unknown. the false beliefs part hits home too.

i like your idea of writing your story by hand. at your own pace. voice your truth as it is now. maybe to start with pick a nice memory to write about? even if it was just a glimpse or a moment. i might help you to start the process.

and i agree that seeing what is at the end waiting for you helps. wish i could.
I don't think anyone really wants to go through the middle. Think of it as a fire. Most would choose not going through the fire at all. Some would try jumping over it. Some would try to go around it. A few would dig a hole to tunnel underneath it. However, if something like another fire perhaps is behind you constantly pushing you closer to the fire until you have no choice but to run through the fire. It hurts but you make to the other side. A journey not always pleasant.

Think of you. Take good care of you. Blessings as always
Susan, trooper, Untangling, SW, pink and Bella, Thank you for your words of encouragement, and letting me know I am not alone. as always I so appreciate the support. I did start writing a bit last night. I started typing, but I think now I might be able to hand write. SW I think you are right I need to go slowly and not push myself, it isn't homework it is for me and about me. Thank you for the reminder

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