If you were healed, what would be different?
If I were healed I would be able to feel and accept all of my emotions. Not running from them or being overwhelmed by them, but accepting that they are there and they are real and being able to put a name to them.
If I were healed I would be able to communicate, assertively and kindly, with the people I love and with people in general. I would not rage or be nasty, or shut down and refuse to speak. The two extremes I constantly go between.
Being healed would mean demanding the respect from others that I deserve, not letting people take advantage of me and not accepting abuse from anyone.
If I were healed I would be able to have a normal sex life and enjoy sex with the man I love.
If I were healed I would be able to enjoy today, not live in the past or in my head with worries and obsessions. I would just do what I am doing, be wherever I am, and be okay with that. Enjoy time with my kids, work when I am at work, play when it's time to play.
Healing would include learning to love myself. To love my body and take care of myself. From going to doctors and dentists when needed to not doing things that I know cause damage to my body. I would speak kindly to myself and be forgiving and understanding that perfection is an impossible goal.
Healing would mean not needing to rely on drugs and alcohol to make me feel better or to numb feelings that seem overwhelming.
I would be able to say what happened, when appropriate and without shame and with the understanding that it does not define who I am, it is just something that happened.
If I were healed I would be able to set realistic goals and follow through on them without sabotaging myself or setting myself up to fail somewhere along the way.
To be healed I need to find a way to come to terms with the fact that people who love me have also caused me harm. To find a way to balance this with knowing that may never be able to do any more than what they have done, or admit or apologize for the hurts they have caused. And that this is not about me. That I can be part of this family and find a place where I am at peace with all of the things that have happened. Understanding that I have been affected, that some things were not right, but that I can find a middle ground.