Jump to content


Why Does it Take So Long to Get Over a Psychopath?

Posted by laurenbacall , 13 November 2013 · 1,032 views

I am so glad to have read this information. My T was not wanting to hear me vent regards my psychopath abuser. I just saw on a website that venting is a part of recovery from Narcissistic Abuse. http://narcraiders.w...2013/02/13/758/ Wow! I am glad I don't rely solely on a T for advice. I am independent and do read and apply knowledge on my own. The steps on narc raiders website that are given were: learning, overcoming, venting, and exhale.  Go Figure! Makes sense to me. I was hurt badly and I want to talk about it. I am joining psychopathfree.com and I will get started venting right away. I like doing this online. I prefer it over to talking to my T about narcissitic abuse. I like to be understood and if the T does not understand, she will try and say move on and that is what is hard for a victim of narcissistic abuse to do. Anyhow, I have a long recovery but I am glad to begin it.  Laurenbacall

Why Does it Take So Long to Get Over a Psychopath? Relationships with psychopaths take an unusually long time to recover from. Survivors often find themselves frustrated because they haven't healed as fast as they'd like. They also end up dealing with friends & therapists who give them judgmental advice about how it's "time to move on".

Whether you were in a long-term marriage or a quick summer fling, the recovery process will be the same when it comes to a psychopathic encounter. It takes 12-24 months to get your heart back in a good place, and even after that, you might have tough days. I certainly do!

The important thing here is to stop blaming yourself. Stop wishing it would go faster. Stop thinking that the psychopath somehow "wins" if you're still hurting. They are out of the picture now. This journey is about you. If you come to peace with the extended timeline, you'll find this experience a lot more pleasant. You can settle in, make some friends, and get cozy with this whole recovery thing.

So why is it taking so long?

You were in love

Yes, it was manufactured love. Yes, your personality was mirrored and your dreams manipulated. But you were in love. It's the strongest human emotion & bond in the world, and you felt it with all your heart. It is always painful to lose someone you loved - someone you planned to be with for the rest of your life.

The human spirit must heal from these love losses. Regardless of your abuser's intentions, your love was still very real. It will take a great deal of time and hope to pull yourself out of the standard post-breakup depression.

You were in desperate love

Here's where we branch off from regular breakups. Psychopaths manufacture desperation & desire. You probably worked harder for this relationship than any other, right? You put more time, energy, and thought into it than ever before. And in turn, you were rewarded with the nastiest, most painful experience of your life.

In the idealization phase, they showered you with attention, gifts, letters, and compliments. Unlike most honeymoon phases, they actually pretended to be exactly like you in every way. Everything you did was perfect to them. This put you on Cloud 9, preparing you for the identity erosion.

You began to pick up on all sorts of hints that you might be replaced at any time. This encouraged your racing thoughts, ensuring that this person was on your mind every second of the day. This unhinged, unpredictable lifestyle is what psychopaths hope to create with their lies, gas-lighting, and triangulation.

By keeping them on your mind at all times, you fall into a state of desperate love. This is unhealthy, and not a sign that the person you feel so strongly about is actually worthy of your love. Your mind convinces you that if you feel so powerfully, then they must be the only person who will ever make you feel that way. And when you lose that person, your world completely falls apart. You enter a state of panic & devastation.

The Chemical Reaction

Psychopaths have an intense emotional & sexual bond over their victims. This is due to their sexual magnetism, and the way they train your mind to become reliant upon their approval.

By first adoring you in every way, you let down your guard and began to place your self worth in this person. Your happiness started to rely on this person's opinion on you. Happiness is a chemical reaction going off in your brain - dopamine and receptors firing off to make you feel good.

Like a drug, the psychopath offers you this feeling in full force to begin with. But once you become reliant on it, they begin to pull back. Slowly, you need more and more to feel that same high. You do everything you can to hang onto it, while they are doing everything in their power to keep you just barely starved.


There are thousands of support groups for survivors of infidelity. It leaves long-lasting insecurities and feelings of never being good enough. It leaves you constantly comparing yourself to others. That pain alone takes many people out there years to recover from.

Now compare that to the psychopath's triangulation. Not only do they cheat on you - they happily wave it in your face. They brag about it, trying to prove how happy they are with your replacement. They carry none of the usual shame & guilt that comes with cheating. They are thrilled to be posting pictures and telling their friends how happy they are.

I cannot even begin to explain how emotionally damaging this is after once being the target of their idealization. The triangulation alone will take so much time to heal from.

Nov 13 2013 04:58 AM
Interesting. Thanks for sharing.
Nov 13 2013 06:49 PM

You are very welcome blondie. :)

Thank you for the links, I'm going to go do some reading.  Though long over the douche bag I am still facinated.  :)  The memory of that kind of pain stays with you forever.  Lauren, you're going to make it.  So sorry that turd ever surfaced in your life, Hon.



Nov 14 2013 02:32 AM

You are very welcome Fig! Thanks for your condolences or sympathy regarding my pain and that turd surfacing in my life. I sure wish he hadn't. My course was altered temporarily.

Your words are grand and appropriate for sure. I love them! Take gentle care and I will as well. :)

My jaw dropped with this post.  You perfectly.  Perfectly.  Perfectly described the stages before my rape.  I am SO messed up in my head right now because, even a year later - I find myself grieving over the loss of the relationship and the feeling that I let him down.  I can still hear the words of disapproval and humiliation during the event.  I can't move past those to even focus on the physical aspects of what happened.  Even after he raped and beat me for 12 hours.  I couldn't live up to his expectations.  They call it Stockholm syndrome.  I don't care what it's called - it hurts and belittles me every day.  I only continue to feel like I deserved it, or that I liked it or should have liked it.  What a mess.


I am so thankful for this post.  Thank you!



October 2015

45 6 78910

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.