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I was wearing Boyfriend's hoodie. It doesn't quite smell like him anymore but that's okay. It's still comforting. I was also using the giant Eeyore stuffed animal from him as a pillow.
I was snuggling with my towel. It's light yellow with green streaks, and I got it from a friend of mine, E. I try not to think about the fact that I got it the night I met my abuser, which is easy because that night he was a stranger helping out a friend of a friend. I met up with a friend, B, and a bunch of his friends at a park one day about a year before the abuse. I ended up having what was at the time my worst panic attack to date. B and my abuser helped me to E's car while he looked for tissues. He couldn't find any, so he let me use the towel that was in the back of his car from when he put temporary green hair dye in his hair. Later our friend D showed up. D has a way of saving me from something or other every time I see him. It smells like a combination of D and E now. No one else can smell it, but when I try really hard, I can.
I was also snuggling with my new stuffed lamb. I've really had a thing for lambs since the abuse. Mom took me to Build-a-Bear last week since they're doing their farmyard animals thing and let me get the lamb, which was nice since it was $20 and she usually limits me to $15. She even let me get it a hat. Its name is Merp.
I was wrapped up in my comforter. That comforter has lived up to its name. It's become a running thing with a friend of mine and I. I will be sad and send *wraps self in comforter* and he will reply *pats head* or something similar and we will move on and I will feel better. I really do wrap myself up in it when I'm not okay. It is soft and fluffy, and no one can touch me when I'm in it, and it has wolves on it that I like to pretend will protect me.
I was listening to The xx. They're an English indie band with very calm music. B got me into them. The xx has always been something I can listen to when I'm in a bad way. It's soothing and still slightly unfamiliar, and at the time of the abuse, B and I weren't talking and I hadn't learned how to disassociate music and people, so I wasn't listening to them.
I had my desk light on. I used to use a nightlight on bad nights, but I had to give that to my eight-year-old sister because we ran out of bulbs and she needs it more than I do since I have my desk light. It's dim enough to fall asleep to, but bright enough to read to. I read a Xanth novel until I was too tired to keep my eyes open. I like those because they're fantasy novels and they're always safe.
And I slept wonderfully. No nightmares, no waking up in the middle of the night crying and carrying on. Just good sleep.