People sweat. I get that. But when that smell comes off a man? I call it stench. Thanks to him. Because both nights, that's what it was for me. More so that second night, behind the quarterdeck building. That smell coming off of him.
It was stench.
Disgusting. Overpowering. Invading my nostrils. Making me want to puke. Reeking off of him.
It hung heavy in the air.
He smelled like sweat both nights. The second night it was more overpowering. He smelled like sweat, and musk cologne.
There he was, that man, that bastard, on top of me, raping me, inside of me. Smelling like sweat and musk cologne. Like I was on a date from hell.
He went and got himself all pumped up in the gym, then slathered himself in that musk crap. Like what? Like....he was taking me on a date? Like....he was trying to impress me?
No. None of that is true.
But I don't think I will ever get that stench out of my nostrils. Not completely.
I was in an elevator at the VA today, with a man who stunk of sweat. It was gross. His stench was horrible. And as soon as I was out of the elevator, I was in one of the bathrooms. Hiding. It really triggered me. My anxiety just crept up on me out of nowhere. It was hard for me to leave the bathroom. I think I washed my hands three or four times, so I had the smell of the soap on my hands to try and block the smell of that stench out.
And as much as I was triggered today, and full of anxiety, and hiding out and trying to get rid of that stench, I am just mad.
I'm mad that I have to even deal with any of this. I'm mad as hell at him for raping me. I'm mad that I react by hiding out and being all anxious. I'm mad that I even have to have some kind of reaction to some guy with horrible body odor or horrible grooming or whatever the hell you want to call it.
I'm mad that I have to spend all of this time out of my life dealing with this, and writing it all out. It feels like I'm just rehashing it over and over. And over and over.
And it feels like I will never be able to just have a normal reaction to something like some guy's body odor. I'm sure the other people in the elevator were just thinking, gross, and when they got off the elevator, they were relieved, and then they hurried on with the rest of their days without being so impacted.
I'm mad as hell that I can't just be normal. Fuck.