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Posted by flippin , 08 March 2012 · 9 views

in the time that my boyfriend and i have endured that last fight, i think his behavior has rly improved. since i stuck it to him, and waited it out for a few days, and got it thru his head that i would NOT just return to him immediately, he rly has been trying to change.

he hasn't been directing his anger at me. i needed him to get it. it's not my fault he's in pain. he's been treating me right, not like i'm a second class citizen.

last week i got my last big payment from SSI. this rly helped things out between us. j and i went to get everything we've been wanting, new clothes, shoes, SILKY amazing bedsheets. we even randomly went to get tattoos. i've never been inked before, and i'm surprised i didn't puss out, but i had to tell the guy to stop after he did my outline. i'm getting it filled in tomorrow morning. we both got scorpions, different image, but the same animal. j sat thru his entire tattoo! i was amazed at his threshold of pain. tho he was tapping his feet and rly squinting towards the end.

j said that i lost some weight. i hope he's not just saying that. he said my stomach's gone down a little bit and that he's rly proud of me for working out. i just hope i can keep it up.

i talked to my sister earlier today (or was it yesterday?) i'm going to see her and my little brother this weekend. i cleaned up the living room, which was hard cuz there was crap lying around everywhere. i have to do the bathroom tomorrow. i'm anxious about hanging out with them. i don't know why i feel that way, every time before i see them. they're the most relaxed, sweet kids. i don't know how much they know of what happened to me (i think my little sister might have caught wind of it, she's rly smart). i just wish i had the balls and the energy to see them more often. i'm such a crappy neglectful older sister. i should take a more active role in their lives, but it's kindof hard to when i'm not talking to our parents at all. whatever.

my therapist said i should work on positive affirmation, like saying good things about myself. or at least trying to write a list of things. i think i'll just try to come up with a list, because randomly saying "i am AMAZING" just aint going too well.

i don't know why, but i feel depressed. of course, just randomly, IRRITATINGLY, somber. i think it's the fact that i'm talking to a therapist again, and reawakening all this old crap that i haven't been thinking about in months. ughhhgh.

i haven't been blogging on here. my bf said it seemed to help me get my thoughts/feelings out. but i don't rly see the point since like no one reads it. i guess i'm just truly a sad freaking loser if no one, not even on a goddamn RAPE WEBSITE, can relate to me. i am destined to be alone and not understood. how's that for fucking positive affirmation.

I can't speak for everyone on the site, but there are many times I read blogs or threads and it's not that I don't care or can't relate--I just can't find the words to say something I think will be helpful. I don't know your story or what you've been going through with your boyfriend, but I'm glad to hear that he is treating you better. You don't deserve anger from him because of things that you have no control over. :hug: (if ok)
Apr 12 2012 06:47 AM
I blog here are well, more for myself than anything. It does help with my frustrations as well. Recently people started commenting and it felt great to know someone cared. Hugs. I hope things continue to go well.

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