he hasn't been directing his anger at me. i needed him to get it. it's not my fault he's in pain. he's been treating me right, not like i'm a second class citizen.
last week i got my last big payment from SSI. this rly helped things out between us. j and i went to get everything we've been wanting, new clothes, shoes, SILKY amazing bedsheets. we even randomly went to get tattoos. i've never been inked before, and i'm surprised i didn't puss out, but i had to tell the guy to stop after he did my outline. i'm getting it filled in tomorrow morning. we both got scorpions, different image, but the same animal. j sat thru his entire tattoo! i was amazed at his threshold of pain. tho he was tapping his feet and rly squinting towards the end.
j said that i lost some weight. i hope he's not just saying that. he said my stomach's gone down a little bit and that he's rly proud of me for working out. i just hope i can keep it up.
i talked to my sister earlier today (or was it yesterday?) i'm going to see her and my little brother this weekend. i cleaned up the living room, which was hard cuz there was crap lying around everywhere. i have to do the bathroom tomorrow. i'm anxious about hanging out with them. i don't know why i feel that way, every time before i see them. they're the most relaxed, sweet kids. i don't know how much they know of what happened to me (i think my little sister might have caught wind of it, she's rly smart). i just wish i had the balls and the energy to see them more often. i'm such a crappy neglectful older sister. i should take a more active role in their lives, but it's kindof hard to when i'm not talking to our parents at all. whatever.
my therapist said i should work on positive affirmation, like saying good things about myself. or at least trying to write a list of things. i think i'll just try to come up with a list, because randomly saying "i am AMAZING" just aint going too well.
i don't know why, but i feel depressed. of course, just randomly, IRRITATINGLY, somber. i think it's the fact that i'm talking to a therapist again, and reawakening all this old crap that i haven't been thinking about in months. ughhhgh.
i haven't been blogging on here. my bf said it seemed to help me get my thoughts/feelings out. but i don't rly see the point since like no one reads it. i guess i'm just truly a sad freaking loser if no one, not even on a goddamn RAPE WEBSITE, can relate to me. i am destined to be alone and not understood. how's that for fucking positive affirmation.