Day 74: Sustaining the Facade
Today I volunteered at an event in my community. I had a sort of reverse dissociation experience with it. I was more conscious of the inner me (the me who is still tired, who hasn't gotten enough sleep or sufficient nutrition for the last week) than I was of the external me. But, I was able to still BE that external me. I was able to laugh, to be organized, to listen to others. In large part that's because the people I was with are my coworkers and we have a natural repartee.
I was conscious of this superficial me, but more aware of the deeper me. I was focused on how to maintain the façade, to protect my privacy.
Several people asked how I am doing. They were concerned because I was out sick for the last three days. It was hard to answer their questions. I hadn't planned on being asked and didn't have rehearsed responses at the ready. I said I would tell them about it later.
I have been thinking since then about what I will tell them.
In situations like this I find some version of the truth to be most effective. It's easier to sustain and will align with future events.
I decided to tell them that I have some complications with my health that are proving challenging to treat. I have a chronic immune response for which my doctor is trying to find the cause and determine the treatment. This is completely true. It is enough to explain my being ill and my need to go to the doctor. It is enough to satisfy curiosity and avoid going into the other issues that are the real reason I have been sick.
I think subconsciously I must have wanted to tell them. Otherwise, I would already have thought through the possibility of being asked about my absence from work. But, when I thought about it in the moment, I knew I didn't want to tell them. There is too great a potential cascade effect. I have no idea what they might do with the information.
Despite this small moment of concern, the day went well. I was able to be present and not experience anxiety while at the event. Although I couldn't shut down my internal turmoil, I was able to have those feelings at the same time I was engaging in society.
I am still very tired from the insomnia. I suppose if I don't sleep well tonight I'll have to call my therapist, as I promised I would.
I don't see the point really.
What's she going to do for me?
All she can do is tell me to do that things I already am doing.
But, I recognize it doesn't matter what I imagine she can do, or if all she does is reiterate what I already know. My intention is to be in this healing process and take the steps on the path. One of these steps might be calling her, even through I don't see how it could help.