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Posted by chelirach , 23 January 2014 · 154 views

It has been over a year since I have written here. I have tried a few times but nothing has come out. I am finding it harder and harder to verbalize things, which I think means I am getting deeper and deeper. I to places that are more non verbal

A lot lately has focused in how I turn my aggression and hatred inward. How self destructive I seem to become. My eating disorder has been worse then it has ever been.

It feels so simple and yet so complex at the same time. I know I am being vague here, it isn't in purpose, it is that I don't know how to express it. It is all paradoxical and confusing. I have so much trouble verbalize ng these things

I imagine going into therapy and just laying this all out and expressing it and telling her all of these things, but I don't. Often I forget what it is I even wanted to say. Or that I wanted to say anything at all

Sometimes I wish I had therapy at 3 in the morning because it feels like that is when it really can come out. If I could find a way to tape record and play back my though process.

I've been writing my story and sharing it with my therapist in bits. It has been helpful and good, but feels unfinished somehow, I think I am trying to purge it out if me, exorcise it from my system, but I don't think anything can really do til that. It will never really go away, it's always going to be there in some form or another. My therapist talks about getting to a point where I can live with my story where it doesn't control and take over my life.

Right now I just feel angry that I have to deal with any of this at all

Hi chelirach, What you've said here really resonates with me. I've written out most of my story for my T - there are parts I've mentioned without details - but I haven't reached the anger. I feel trapped by the sadness of it all. Perhaps it's all a matter of going through the grieving process?

Or maybe I'm oversimplifying? I'm sorry you're turning the rage inward. You don't deserve it! Sending you care and healing.


Much love! :hug: :hug: :hug:

Jan 24 2014 08:29 AM

I think feeling angry can be a good thing. I admit that most of my anger is focused on myself but I am hoping to shift it at some point. I hope you find a way to do so as well (if I am reading your post right?)


Anyway, just wanted to say I hope you don't get too discouraged and that you keep going. It isn't fair that you have to do this but I think you can do it anyway.


Sending whatever positive thoughts you want!

Jan 24 2014 08:11 PM

Hey chelirach


I can really relate to being angry with having to deal with any of what has happened to me.  My anger has just splintered off into a lot of other areas. 


It is not fair that we, as survivors, have to deal with all of what has comprised our stories.  The burden should not be on us, it should be on our abusers.  Unfair as it is, it seems we have to walk through that fire on our journey of healing, and hopefully come out the other side whole and with inner peace.


I am listening, and thinking of you, my friend.  I hope that things can be a little easier on you, and I hope that you can take good and gentle care of your self.  You deserve the best. 

May 12 2014 01:49 AM

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, even if I'm not around anymore. Hope you are doing well, coping with the [justifiable] anger you were feeling, and at a place where peace is felt more strongly than the pain, anger, and confusion of everything you've endured. Take good care, Cheli.

September 2015

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