A lot lately has focused in how I turn my aggression and hatred inward. How self destructive I seem to become. My eating disorder has been worse then it has ever been.
It feels so simple and yet so complex at the same time. I know I am being vague here, it isn't in purpose, it is that I don't know how to express it. It is all paradoxical and confusing. I have so much trouble verbalize ng these things
I imagine going into therapy and just laying this all out and expressing it and telling her all of these things, but I don't. Often I forget what it is I even wanted to say. Or that I wanted to say anything at all
Sometimes I wish I had therapy at 3 in the morning because it feels like that is when it really can come out. If I could find a way to tape record and play back my though process.
I've been writing my story and sharing it with my therapist in bits. It has been helpful and good, but feels unfinished somehow, I think I am trying to purge it out if me, exorcise it from my system, but I don't think anything can really do til that. It will never really go away, it's always going to be there in some form or another. My therapist talks about getting to a point where I can live with my story where it doesn't control and take over my life.
Right now I just feel angry that I have to deal with any of this at all