I'm Back :)
It's been so long since my last blog entry but I still think about Pandy's a lot and how much it helped me at the beginning of my journey.
I am proud to announce that in 17 days I am getting married and although I still have a lot of healing to do and a lot more to work through in my head, I feel like I am moving in the right direction, in a positive direction.
I have still had my moments when days are harder and my mind wanders back to the past, searching for a way out...
I have had to learn not to judge myself and most of all, something I am yet to do, I have to learn to forgive myself for everything I did afterwards.
Recently, I have had a few triggers about my abortions, beginning a marriage with my partner we plan to have kids in the future. And in my heart of hearts I have always wanted to have children one day. But my morales and beliefs did not agree with my getting abortions...even though I was in no position in my life to raise a child or go through the emotional journey of pregnancy and giving up the baby for adoption.
There are times that I feel like I am not worthy of having a child because of what I have done, I always believed it to be a sin. But when you are in that position, there is no easy way out, each choice is a lifelong decision that you have to live with forever.
I have been trying to help other young girls who have been losing their way and have been sexually assaulted, I have offered my support as a fellow survivor, trying to help them to understand that there is always a way out of the dark.
Still when I look back at the dark and cold place I was in only a few years ago, I can't believe how much I have achieved now.
And it wasn't easy.
I still have to continue with my psychologist who has been amazing, to work through my resentment towards myself for the abortions, some guilt from the sexual assault and some self-esteem issues I have with myself.
But I know that it is all part of the healing process.
I haven't spoken to a lot of my old friends on here for a long time and I really hope you are all well and I wish you all the best!!