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letting go, and failure...

Posted by missophelia , 16 October 2013 · 229 views

TW for talk of suicide. Please take gentle care of your self if you choose to read.

Today, I feel like a failure.

I saw my psych doc yesterday, and my therapist this morning. Both are pretty worried about me.

I left my therapist's office feeling like a total failure.

I am at this point in my useless life right now, where I can barely function. I go through the motions, mostly in physical and emotional pain.

I am just existing.

I can't even work full time right now, let alone, the part time work I am doing seems to be too much. We talked about that today in my session. I told her I want to stop working, because I am not handling it well, physically or emotionally. But I can't afford to not work. But the stress it is causing me, and the physical difficulties I'm having making it through any day, let alone a work day, make me want to stop. Right now.

And what goes through my mind, consistently, is, I do not want to live like this anymore.

And...I do not want to live.

The failure part comes in because I am not living. I am reduced to someone who needs to be monitored. I can't cope. And on and on.

My session this morning, if things were normal, I would have said was painful. But right now, I am so consumed by my depression, that even the painfulness of my session didn't really touch me. Sounds weird, I know, because I am in great pain. We talked all around my depression, and my suicidal feelings. And when I left, I had "homework", if that's what you want to call it.

Dr K knows I have had a stash of pills at my house. Meds my doc prescribed me that, when I got home with them, I checked to see if they had lactose in them. Which they did. So, I never took them.

So, here they sit.

Anyway, Dr K kept asking me what we were going to do. Yes, we devised a safety plan for me. But, she was also concerned with the pills I have had here at the house. So, my "homework" was to come home, throw them away, and then call her and let her know.

Sad, that I have to call her and check in with her. Sadder, that I can't just be left alone, and keep my pills. Sad, that I am reduced to having to be monitored this way.

So, I threw them away, then called her and left her a message. They are in the garbage. But I really want to go and get them out of the garbage. And I can't guarantee that I won't.

Throwing them away, is like letting go. And I don't know if I want to or am ready to let go. And I told her that, not in so many words. I told her that throwing them away is like losing an option. If they go into the garbage, that option isn't there. I don't have the option to take them if I want to. Which is what she is worried about, I think.

Letting go is scary. You leave your comfort zone, in a way. I have left my comfort zone. And I don't want to. And, honestly, if I want to try and take myself out, I want to have the means readily available.

Which only leaves me angry. And now feeling like I have no control.

Which is not helping my depression.

I need to stop writing now.

(((missophelia))) I hope you did throw away the pills. You still have control. I understand the urge, the need to quit. I really do. I also know what it is to turn that corner and find hope. It's there honey. Trust in it. You're in an incredible amount of pain, physical and emotional. There is no shame in letting others take care of you. Healing is possible! Trust in the hope, in your doctor, in those who love you.

Much Love! Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image
Oct 18 2013 07:28 PM
I am so sorry you are in such a painful place. I would take it away for you in an instant if I could. You have such strength in you, by the sheer fact that you were able to throw them away. You are not a failure, you are just someone who's got too much pain to cope with. You will get through this, there is hope, you have support and you are not alone. :hug: :hug: :hug:

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    Blog Warning

    This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.

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