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Sometimes I really want to give up. Late at night, when I can't sleep, it all comes back. Sometimes I don't know if I want to be alive, sometimes I don't know if I AM alive. I am tired of it, all of it, I am tired of feeling emotionally and physically like crap. I'm tired of not having anyone to turn to in real life. I'm tired of babysitting day in and day out. I want to escape. Run away, somewhere, assume a new name and become a new person. But I can't. I have two babies who need me here, regardless of anything else. THEY need me. My needs have to come second to theirs.
I almost went back to therapy. I'm to nervous, to scared of being told I don't qualify or being forced to go places that I'm not ready to go. I don't want to tell my mom I need therapy. I don't want to spend the gas money to get to the office. I don't want to inconvenience anyone with my lack of scheduling opportunities.
I don't know anymore... I am under water and I forgot how to swim.
I almost went back to therapy. I'm to nervous, to scared of being told I don't qualify or being forced to go places that I'm not ready to go. I don't want to tell my mom I need therapy. I don't want to spend the gas money to get to the office. I don't want to inconvenience anyone with my lack of scheduling opportunities.
I don't know anymore... I am under water and I forgot how to swim.
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Hun, Im so sorry things are so overwhelming and painful for you right now. You are an amazing, selfless, an giving person. One day your brothers will be able to express to you, how much of an impact you are making on their lives, an it will all be worth it!!! Please dont forget about you though, You need to be taking care of you, so that you can take care of the babies!!!
You deserve the support, you deserve people to arrange their schedules around what you need. I hope things start to look up for you really soon.
Kc