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Different Perspective/Realization

Posted by Iammealways , 02 October 2010 · 112 views

I realized that I have been blaming myself for a long about things I can't control. I had been passive in my life, allowing others to get to me. I tried being nice, or tried to fix things, but now realize, I don't have to have respect for those who are not respecting me. Both of my mothers told me not to be someone's doormat. Maybe because they are trying to pass on a lesson they have learned in their lives, from their own situations. Also, my perpetrator sensed this about me. But, still that doesn't excuse his behavior, because he shouldn't have done what he did-no matter who I was or who I am. I see now that even to this day, he wants me to feel bad. So NO MORE! My responsibility is how I react. I know my perpetrator had difficulties, but he made the decision to harm. I am constantly trying to do the opposite. As my husband says, he kept coming back so I would keep quiet about stuff. I took on his physical abuse and psychological abuse. And realize if it was normal intimacy, a guy wouldn't call afterward just to degrade someone. I already went through situations in my life where that has happened before. Learned that people who have face past abuse, will have a potential to be raped again-because (she) thinks that is the only way she deserves to be treated-like not a human, or having her own body to be used for someone else to abuse her because he is angry. It's hard because I feel guilty about having to be the one who has to do something. I felt like I had to protect my own perpetrator maybe because I kept coming up with reasons why he would do what he did. He has apologized to me, but I think he needs help for himself. Which he wouldn't get. So I did what I could do in the circumstance. And, I can choose how I'm going to react to it. One, I can take his psychological abuse, or I can start standing up for myself. Luckily, I have a husband who gets that too. I'm lucky to have him.

You are so strong!
I think it sounds like you are in a much stronger place which is amazing. I think it's really easy to slip into blaming ourselves for things beyond our control, especially when we have survived sexual assault. But it sounds like you are pushing past that and deciding that things are going to be different for you going forward. I am glad you have come into this place. Sending hugs if ok :hug: :hug: :hug:

October 2015

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