My Abuser Knows I'm Successful, and It Just Kills Him
Sometimes, I'd think I'd opened my eyes to wake up only to find another fresh horror awaiting me. Panic attacks, crying jags, urges to hurt myself, and finally I was tempted to drink (I have never given into that one, and I still haven't). That was a first. Meanwhile, I'm trying to find a therapist, but that's been an uphill battle. I managed about two weeks...then, I splurged. Muffins, cookies, cakes, breads, chocolate, hot chocolate, pasta, the works.
It is now clear to me why I haven't been able to control my weight or stop overeating. I'm trying to stay alive. There is no other way for me to cope with the pain; believe me, I've tried. I write, start punching, exercise, do Yoga, do artwork...all of that works somewhat, but nothing numbs the pain like a belly filled fit to burst.
I really hate the people who did this to me. I don't see this compulsion to eat as being a choice, because I can't stop. Nor will I be able to until I find a way to deal with the underlying problem. It's not as simple as "making a choice," because if it were that simple, I would have done it by now. There are days when I wish I had died when that evil man tried to strangle me. Oh, I'm not suicidal; I'm not going to hurt myself. Its just...it hurts so bad that dying would have been easier. But, I'm not going to give in.
My grandfather knows I have a successful career and that I'm doing well in life. Per the family grapevine, that just kills him. If for no other reason than spite, I'm going to keep on fighting just to prove to him that he didn't destroy me. I may have serious emotional difficulties and what may or may not be an eating disorder. But, however slowly, I'm making friends. Despite my autism, I do not use or need any special services. I'm successful at work and school (I've actually won a few awards, some national). I live on m own, and I'm fighting to make a life for myself.
To My Abusers: In your face! I made it this far, and I will heal the damage you've done to me. I've already come farther than anyone thought possible in spite of you, and I did far better in life than you ever did. You couldn't destroy me; I'm stronger than you ever were.
Eventually, I'll find better ways to cope than stuffing my face. I'll keep resolving to do better, just like I did when I stopped cutting. The day will come when I no longer have the need to do destructive things to numb the pain.