Pandora's Aquarium: Once again took a long break - Pandora's Aquarium

But here I am again. I don't think it matters how much 'better' I get or try to move past this, Pandys is always my safe place to go back to when I am being bothered by it again, need support, needing to write, or just needing to think on 'paper' which is what I do here. Many times I come here to type out my thoughts or problems and in doing so answer many of my own questions. Lots of things have changed since I was here last. I no longer have a job, I was let go from my previous employer along with three others due to cutbacks. I have pulled my children out of the public school system and began homeschooling them. I no longer go to therapy, and only leave the house about once a week. I am very worried that I am going to be destructive to my children because as time goes by I am noticing that I am becoming more and more overprotective.

I am finding that I am having more of a problem with skin picking, it seems to be getting worse, but then again I am not thinking of my childhood or any trauma that I went through in the past near as much anymore. I still do, but now it is in more of reflection of how I wished to God that someone would have noticed, anyone. I wish that I would have been stronger and knew the difference between what was right and wrong when it comes to personal boundaries; that I just didn't understand I had back then. I wish that I was stronger like I am now, and would have stood up for myself. I realize that I truly felt invisible, never took charge of my life, I was just there, life happened to me, and I just went along with it whether it was good for me or not. I think that I was just trying to find a safe place, and it didn't really happen until I got married. And then I just became stuck in this life, not realizing that life could be so much more that it ever has been for me, and probably ever will be. But this is it.

I find myself becoming more and more negative about the world in general, wondering what the point is of even trying except for my children. That's it for me, that is my reason. I could very easily see myself holing up in this house, leaving the real world and living in my countless books, and isolating myself from everyone. Unless I feel as though it is a must in order not to hurt others feelings, like holidays and such. I just don't want that to become my children's world. I am afraid that it is, but I can't tell whether I am doing what is best for them or not. I feel as though I am, but then there is another part of me wondering if I am parenting as I do because of what happened to me when I was younger. I don't have anyone to answer that question either. I just guess I will continue trying to do what is best for my children, and hoping that it is what is best for my children.