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People I use to know

Posted by bellachai , 07 October 2012 · 81 views

Friday I ran two errands and saw my primary physician who was new to me as he replaces the one I had and she left the area.

I went by myself cuz I was feeling smothered. My daughter and her boyfriend here in my house all the time watching me. The increase of hours for my home health care. Needed some time alone and it was beautiful outside. BUT it wore me out and I slept most of yesterday and am still exhausted today. My daughter and I are going out to my mother's this morning to help her pick apples.

I live in a small rural town so one would think that their would be less waiting around for things. Not so apparently. My appointment with the doctor was at 11:15am. I was shown to a room at 12:15 and the doctor came in the room at 12:45pm. I left at 1pm.

I waited all that time for him to tell me that I will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Yes that is what the hemotologist said. DUH :dohdoh: This doctor insinuated that continuing with the hemotologist to identify what clotting disorder I do have is really a shot in the dark therefore a waste of time, money and energy. I told him I was more interested in identifing it to ensure my childrens health was not a risk for blood clots. I also stated that the hemotologist stated that 70% of the time he identifies the disorder. This doctor stated that the hemotlogist doctor may be a little too enthusiastic. A doctor insulting another doctor. That is new.

This doctor told me that my right ventrical is enlarged due to having COPD, asthma, repeat pulmonary embolisms and sleep apnea. It may get a little better and it may not. He wants to wait for an echocardiogram a little longer so I see him again in a month.

I am liking and not liking my nose hose. Yeah it is helping me sleep better and deeper but it is also allowing me to remember dreams and most so far are horrible. Last night I dreamed I was eating blood soaked snow. How gross and repulsive is that?

I ran into two people I use to know before I fell apart 4 years ago. They almost did not recognize me and I wish they had not. I do not want anyone to know who I am anymore cuz I don't know who I am anymore. I want to go somewhere that no one knows me cuz they would not know the active healthy person I once was so they would not stop me and ask me a bunch of questions. I also would not have to see people I use to know look at me and pretend they did not see me cuz they have a shocked looked on their face and probably do not know what to say.

I have therapy tomorrow and I am hoping it helps me with my depression some cuz it is worse than before I went into the hospital with the blood clots. I just want this extreme exhaustion to lift and fibro pain to lessen. I hate my life.

Blessings to all


sorry for the horrible dream. experiencing that a bit myself due to withdrawal.

sorry also that the doctor appointment was so long and drained so much energy. no wonder you're exhausted now and in so much pain. they really are not considerate of the needs of people who are ill. which is pretty ironic given what they do for a living. i don't get it.

sorry for everything that's happening with your health. the fatigue (small word which means so much), strain on your heart, depression, question about clotting disorder. was surprised to read doctors don't usually insult each other there. sorry it felt like a waste of time and effort seeing him, from the sounds of things.

i relate to feeling so awful when running into people you knew when you were healthy. it's hard enough without having it shoved in your face how much things have deteriorated.

i hope you get some restorative rest, the pain starts easing up, and your mood begins to lift. none of it is surprising given what you have been through recently. but it still sucks. i'm so sorry, and wish i could wave a wand and make you feel so much better and your body to put itself all back together.

know you are fighting hard to get through the days. if i can help let me know. always here to listen. i hate what you are going through, but i love you.
Oct 08 2012 08:42 PM

A doctor insulting another doctor. That is new.

Oh not really.... They all have huge egos. Just do what feels right to you, no one doctor knows everything.

I'm sorry you feel like such a stranger to yourself right now. I hope it gets easier for you to be recognized one day, and I hope your health improves.

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