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This is hard to write, im so glad i found a place i can get it out though. Since going through the court process and beginning to see how much the csa has affected me and how ihad been avoiding it all costs for a long time, i've realised i can't only deal with this and pretend the other abuse isn't there. I wish it worked like that but i don't imagine it does.
I seem to have quite contradicting feeling and thoughts towards the other things.
Especially the partner thing, only 1 person knows something happened (which is my current bf) i was drunk when i blurted t out. I hadn'tbeen out of the past relationship long and i just needed to get it out. I don't remember how much i told him. I wish i hadn't. We haven't ever really spoken about it again. I wish i hadn't said anything because, i know im pathetic for feeling this way but theres a part of me that wants to defend him. I hate myself for feeling like this!
I feel guilty for even thinking of what he as wrong, i feel like im betraying him. Alot of our relationship i was in a horrible place mentally, my depression was eally bad at that time. Maybe i was feeling worse because of the relationship. Contradicting feelings here.. He as understanding alot of the time, although he clearly got sick of my issues in the end. He'd hold me for hours while i cried uncontrolably and did do alot for me.
I think im trying to go look he was a decent person, does it even make sense for someone to behave like that and 'be there' for someone and abuse them?
This is when i start trying to reason with my self and say maybe thats not how it happened, he wouldn't have done that. Deep down though i know. Im also really struggling with the fact he was my partner(i was in love him and our relationship at one point) and partners do that. Especially ones that care. I know it happens its just hard to get my head around. I almost feel as though i can't say it was non consensual, he was my partner, we had a very active sex life, and partners don't do that or at least thats what wish i could beleive to be true.
**tw for s*x
This first time something happened when i was sleeping was him touching me, i remeber the first i woke up and realised i didn't see it as that wrong. Like he had the right to touch me whenever he wanted. There were times he'd wake me up by doing certain thing, i feel sobad admitting to enjoying this alot of the time. I enjoyed this alot of the time, i'd be woken up and we'd carry on from there. But thats the difference im starting to realise, i consented there. Not by saying yes but y'know. When it went beyond that and he would enter me, i woke up one time to him touching me and pretend to stay asleep, it was everynight by this point anyway i don't know why but i kinda froze, i thought he'd stop when he couldn't wake me up. That didn't happen. I didn't stop him, i just lay pretending to sleep, i jus let it happen. There were times where i'd wake up to this and go along with it, let him finish and pretend i enjoyed it. I don't know why i done that, i let him think it was okay. That i was comforatble so i have no one else to blame but myself. Alot of times i would just pretend to say asleep, when he tried to enter me i'd move around, closemy legs justt pretending to be tossing and turning but he'd force himself.Does me pretending to be sleeping mean he wasn't really forcing it. Soemtimes in the morning he'd ask if i'd remembered anything i would say no. Sometimes he told me he'd been touching or having sex with me and most times i'd kinda just freze and pretty much give him the impression it was okay which i fucking hate myself for. Some people neverhad a choice, i did. Does that make me just as bad? He'd lie about whether he finished or not, he'd point blank deny doinganything too me during the night sometimes. But i couldn't very well say oh i was only pretending could i ? Orif i had actually slept through it which i assume happened quite a few times, by the signs i discovered in the morning, whether it be my underwear on inside out or something. Or a much more obvious sign. He'd deny it but i wouldn't challenge him i just let it go. There were a few times he stopped when i woke up. Or i'd be asleep and wake up to find him maturbating. That wouldn't have bothered me to begin with. But it made me feel dirty, the factt he was just using my body for his pleasure only and i'd be none the wiser. He certainly never told me he was doing this.
I want to come with excuses for him and i know alot of it is my fault. He liked it when were having sex for me to pretend i didn't want it. I don't know why i went with it, its sick. How can i act like that when i've actually been in that situation? But one night i didn't want it. Theres no way (however much i want to defend him) that he thought itt was part of it. I can't talk about this incident its too hard right now. The whole sleeping thing continued of course. I feel like a fraud i can't say that it wasn't my fault or i was forced. Most of it was my fault i let him get away with it, what was hesupposed to think. Except that night, maybe i am asbad as him for letting it carry on but does that make it okay for him to keep going when i tried not to let him.
LIke i've said he wasn't violent, gradually over the course of therelationship he became more controlling and jealous and less normal it seemed. Ilook back and should have seen some warnig signs. I've always felt im only good for sex, thatts all im worth. Any relationship then with a guy would be sexual i couldn't not think about it at least. I believed he loved me, wanted to protect me and he let me believe eveerything was in my best interests which i realise wasn't true. There were alot of mind games and shit.
Phew im going to stop writing. I hadn't planned on writing any details i din't think i could. It just started coming out. So glad theres pandys to putit. I feel a bit beter now. Its notmy seceret anymore. I feel so much relief right now.