living a lonely existance
wow I have not used this in a long time, i am thinking that maybe I should more often, I went to T on friday and it was just a really hard session, made contact with my inner child and we did what my T is calling chair work which is basically me talking to myself at 5 and my 5 year old self talking to me. It is just so hard I dont like to do this stuff but I know I can never grow anymore without this, I just feel like I cannot trust anyone, I havent really felt that before especially in this magnitude. It definitely stems from my inner child because when I am in that "mode" of being a child the not trusting people is even worse. But again its definitely more prominent in all aspects of my life then I am used to, I used to be/am? social but I am feeling more of a need to pull away from those I am close to for fear of being hurt. Its like I cant show anyone how scared and vulnerable I am because they will hurt me in some way. I don't 100% believe that but thats how I feel inside. I know everyone needs people and I definitely need people but with some of the things I am dealing with needing and being close to people is going to be so difficult for me.
I guess i say I feel like I am living a lonely existance becuase I feel I cant reach out for the support i once had in my friends, its my choice or my change in feeling but make no mistake i feel my support is gone and I cant tell anyone anything and that is so hard for me
I just dont know how I am going to get back to trusting people again and feeling okay about being nearby others who I dont trust as much, I am hoping lunch with my good friend this week will go okay, I need to be able to talk to her I hope I can