Pandora's Aquarium: You're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. - Pandora's Aquarium

Maybe it didn't happen. Maybe I'm making it all up. That's what I always say to myself, and maybe it's true? Any way you look at it it's confusing as hell. I hurt and I'm confused and I'm so alone. Well, that's not true exactly, I feel alone... but I'm kind of not anymore. I have my T but when you can only talk to the only person you have in the world for an hour a week it's not exactly fantastic. And now she's gone on vacation and what if she never comes back? She told me I wasn't alone with my secret anymore though, I guess that's good , but what if she decides she doesn't want to see me anymore? She doesn't want me to live here, and neither do I but I'm too scared to do anything about it. My parents would hate me. How can I love my dad and hate him simultaneously? How can I wonder if it never happened and be more convinced than anything that it did? There's a lyric in the song "Spaceman" by The Killers that goes "you're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. You better look it over, before you take that leap!" And that's exactly how I feel. While I get that all of this, from an outside perspective, is really fucked up, it's all I've ever known. Sometimes I still feel like every dad hurts his daughter(s). I can't imagine it being any different, you know? I can't imagine a lot of stuff other people take for granted. I can't imagine that sex would ever be anything good, let alone love, because if I ever did that with someone I'd be so humiliated and feel so used I could never love them again. I also can't imagine ever being happy. I can't remember before I was hurt. These feelings are what I've always had. I can't imagine not SI-ing. I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo frustrated and alone and I don't even know how to put it into words but I just want to scream but at the same time I'm too tired to even care any more.