Thereís only us
Thereís only this
Or life is yours to miss
No Other Road
No Other Way
No Day But Today
The above lyrics, and the title of this post for that matter comes from one of my favourite musicals of all time. I am starting with this because it is highly relative to my life. No, unlike the characters in the musical, I donít have AIDs, I donít know anyone who has AIDs but for me the song means so much more. This song could be used for anyone who is going through a trying time. Now I have told very few people about happened to me in the past. Only the people closest to me know the details however I now want to help those who have gone through a similar situation and the only way that I can do that is by sharing my story. However I want to give you a little bit of my history.
I grew up in Brantford, Ontario, which is about an hour and a half to two hours away from Toronto and about the same distance away form London, Ontario with Brantford being almost smack dab in the middle. I lived for my whole life with my parents, and then as of June 2006 my grandmother moved in with us. I always had a happy childhood. Even if my parents werenít sure if they could afford it they always tried to make sure that I had what I needed, and if they could, what I wanted. I must say they have done a very good job.
I was the typical kid, running and playing with my friends and then we got out first computer that actually was connected to the internet and I became hooked. Now I probably spend more time online than I should but when you have nothing else to do why not? Anyway back to my history. I have several cousins who I am very close to, I actually call them my brothers and sisters. I also have my best friend of 17 years who I refer to as my sister. In September of 2010 I began my first year of university, thinking that I was going to end in MTP (media theory and production), well it just wasnít for me. I switched in the film department and am now entering my third year of film studies before I head off to college. Eventually I would like to find myself working behind the scenes for WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) in the editing or production department.
Now what follows is sensitive in nature, and should you happen to be a victim of sexual abuse it may trigger flashbacks so please, be cautious when reading. I had originally posted this on a blog that I have on another website called Pandys. I highly suggest that you visit this site as a survivor or even a secondary survivor. On with my story.
I am a 21 year old film student just trying to get through life. Writing and photography are hobbies of mine and so anyone who actually reads this will probably see a lot of one or both. Iím actually fairly hesitant to post here, mainly because before yesterday I didnít think I needed to. Before yesterday I had known that from the age of 4 until I was 6, my 16 year old cousin had been sexually abusing me, or assaulting me, Iím not really sure which category it falls under seeing as he was forcing oral sex on me. I have long accepted what he did in that respect and have learned to live with it to the point that it doesnít really bother me that much, although the self-esteem issues are still there. He spent all of 3 months in jail and was put on the sex offender list, he was told he wasnít allowed around children under the age of 16 without their parent present (which has now apparently been lifted)
On May 27th however my other cousin (his sister, and a pathological liar) claimed that her mother was too high and allowed her to be raped in a field by not protecting her. Now weíre not denying that she was raped, we know about that, but her mother was not doing drugs at the time. Now this wasnít the end of the conversation. My mother informed me that my cousin not only forced me to perform oral but he also raped me. So here I am 15 years later just learning this information. I donít remember this happening and quite frankly I think I was better off not knowing. Right now I am extremely confused. Not because it happened because it really doesnít surprise me all that much, which in itself bothers me. Iím confused at what Iím feeling. I know I should be angry, frustrated, and probably hysterical, but Iím not. When I looked at my mother I literally said ďWell, I donít remember it so in my mind it didnít happen, whatís in the past is just that, the past.Ē
This does make some sense though. I am very hesitant to trust people, specifically men and I have been known to be extremely uncomfortable around them. I hate crowds, I have very little confidence and am shy in general. Iím not sure if that is exactly a result of what he has done or if I should be feeling like I am, which is surprisingly calm and not upset like I feel I should be.
***Be sure to check out Pandys at http://pandys.org/forums/***
Here is a link to my word press blog if you are interested.