But, Dr K had me go back to one specific time that he stared at me. To write it in detail. Here it is:
It was a nice day. Sunny, warm. I was working the afternoon/evening shift. I had pulled guardshack duty. I was in my dungarees.
The guardshack was this little building you had to pass through, and it was in the middle of a security fence. You had to go through it to gain access to the building. When you had guardshack duty, inside of that small building was a small room that you could only get into with a key. It had bullet proof glass to see both sides outside, and bullet proof glass with a small pass through so you could give people their badges or take them from them when they were leaving. We had walkie talkies to communicate with the watch floor or the quarterdeck. And everyone's badges were hung on the wall.
So, this day was beautiful. The sun was out. It was a nice early summer day. It was before he raped me.
I had been working a couple of hours. People had come through, most on their way out. Some of the guys I worked with went up to the mess hall, and then came back. Then he stepped into the guardshack.
I remember being pretty nervous, and I tried to relax myself, I tried to take a couple of deep breaths. He just gave me the creeps, and made me feel so self conscious, all the time. Every time he stared at me, I remembered his words from back at my school, when I got in trouble for being drunk. Every time he stared, I felt so guilty, and a part of me felt like I didn't deserve to wear the uniform because of what my drinking had done. And every time, I felt like he was watching me. His stare was intimidating.
But that afternoon I figured he'd only be there a minute. I thought, he's just going to drop his badge off, and then he'll be gone.
He stepped to the window. As nervous as I was, I said, good afternoon senior chief. I tried to sound calm, but inside I wasn't. I had never really spoken to him, not since that day at my school. And my voice, I remember it sounded weird. It didn't sound like me. I tried to smile, I tried to look at him.
He didn't answer me. He just stood there with his badge attached to his uniform. He just stared at me.
This horrible anxiety filled me, just all of a sudden. All my trying to look at him and be pleasant was just gone. He kept staring at me. It seemed that it went on forever, the way he was staring at me. And I knew why he was staring at me.
I don't know how long he stood there like that. But everything else around me just disappeared. The sunshine outside was gone. I couldn't feel parts of my body. I felt frozen. I felt like jelly inside. My heart started pounding. I felt guilty. I felt like I was being watched. And I felt trapped. More than anything, I felt trapped. I was trapped, I was stuck inside that tiny room. And I wasn't thinking straight enough to remember that he couldn't get into that room. He didn't have the key. But there was no thinking about that. I felt vulnerable. And trapped.
He couldn't have been standing there for longer than a few minutes. I don't know. But he just kept staring. He didn't speak. He didn't say a word, or make a noise. I couldn't look at him, his stare just ate into me.
I was staring at the counter. But I wasn't. I couldn't think, I couldn't concentrate on anything other than him being there.
But then his badge appeared in the pass through. I wanted to pick it up. If I picked it up, it would mean he was gone. But I didn't think I could. I felt like my whole body was too shaky. He would see me shaking, and I didn't want him to see me like that. He was so intimidating.
My heart was pounding, but I looked up briefly, and our eyes met. It was the last thing I wanted, but I couldn't look away.
His eyes were so cold. He didn't need to say one word, but I knew what he was thinking. Everything he'd said to me back at my school, I heard it again. Slut. That's what I heard. And a part of me wanted so badly to scream at him. To tell him to go away and leave me alone. But I couldn't. He was too scary. And another part of me wanted to crawl under the counter and die. But I was frozen. And he just stared at me, so cold, so mean was his stare. So intimidating. He stared at me for maybe another minute, and then he left.
After he left, I wiped my eyes. I wasn't crying, but there were some tears there. My hand was shaking so badly. After I wiped my eyes, I moved back. Out of any kind of direct line of sight if he wanted to turn around and stare at me through the outer window. I was convinced he was going to turn around and come back.
For a while after he left, I kept watching, because I was sure he was going to come back. By the end of my shift most of my anxiety was gone, but I was still looking out for him.