Pandora's Aquarium: Ho do I do this? The What is what? Rant! TW - Pandora's Aquarium

I just want to throw in the towel and call it quits I am so ready to not be here physically, emotionally, mentally I am just ready to be done. My health sucks, I am lonely all the time, I am never ever good enough, I can't obviously make a difference in my own community much less the my state, and I am just not here anymore. My mind has shut down and my body is trying to follow suit. I am trying to write about all of my past abuse and life and I just fine myself numb not caring not trying or being overwelled with emotions and crying myself to sleep. I am in a daze a fog and I have no support system. My Bf is not enough and gone for another 2 weeks and I am not sure I can do this anymore. No I am not talking about suicide. I am talking about maybe commiting myself to get help. Wow that sounds scary even in type form. However, I have a massive dr issue. I can't stand the gloves and male nurses or docotrs come near me and I panic or I scream they don't even have to touch me and I am done. I don't know what to do it does help the stupid state I live in has the worest dr's and counselors alive.I gave up on my general doctor she knows about my past and keeps saying things like "I will make her do this" " I will trick her into doing this" and so on I am tried or minf games and people f*cking around with me. What the h*ll is the world coming to really? I mean come on do I have to suffer through more sh*t to do more therapy where I am accused of lieing about something I have written about since I was 5 a story that hasn't changed since I was 5 no minor detail changes no character changes not one damn thing has changed and yet I am the lier I am lieing about my abuse because I am say my counselor said, " Not f*cked up enough" to of had the happen. Thank god I only hear voices and see things and am depressed and tried to commit suicide for the frist time at 12 thnak god I am not f*cked up enough to have a child r*pe or m*lestation to happen in my past. I don't have mulit-personality disorder but as a kid I didn't know how to disassociate like other people me disassociating is that I created a thing that I named Shara and she is basically what people think of as "vampire" not that I saw her that way but whatever she protects me if I can't handle a situation she comes out and I disappear. I was told this is not a different personality because I know I created it and names it and fed it my memories it is a manifestation of myself in a form that I don't know in a place I don't know that remembers things I have buried and forgotten because it has them. How do I deal with that? I hear it in the head all the time I fight with it. How am I supposed to get a job? How am I supposed to be normal? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I ust earse my past? Why can't I forget who I am? Can't I just be normal? I need something in my life that is normal? I need something static day after day after day not to change not to be different not to make me crazy. I need friends real in person friends but after High School I am just the freak that got r*ped by an old man. Sometimes I wish I had taken the advice of a school counslor that told me to bottle it up and put in on a shelf... she said school was school and only ment for that and abuse was ment for homw be even then that I really should bottle it up. Oh how there are days I wish I had never shared never talked never taken him to court and just left it all alone. I just feel like a dumb, weak, couradeous, faliure and I have no one. Nothing to make me smile when I get out of bed nothing to come home to nothing that makes me wnat to sing with joy.