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Leaving

Posted by sailor , in Bad Marriage 01 November 2013 · 185 views

I've been with my husband for 8 years, and each one has been a struggle. An internal one, that I kept very well to myself.
I didn't like who I was when I met him. I preferred his ideal of "the right woman." I shelved my baggage. I pretended to be more mature than my 19 years of neglect and abuse. I put my needs aside and focused on making him happy.
I wouldn't talk about my personal life with anyone. No one knew that his paranoia and insecurities kept me from seeing friends, or even keeping in touch with them.
I brushed off his constant negativity, his judgmental ways, his resentments.
We decided to have a kid a few years ago... before this change nothing had challenged his ability to cope in such a dramatic way. I quickly learned how poorly he adapts, how quickly he looses his temper, how much he relies on substances to keep "under control."
It was about a year ago when he first laid his hands on me. I didn't see it coming. He viewed my actions as threatening to our toddler, he got in my face and when I tried to push him away he grabbed me and pinned me down in to a chair... screaming in my face to "calm the fuck down".
I know that he over reacted, I didn't deserve that treatment from him... I lost so much trust that day. A year later, a similar event would lead him to corner me in the dark bedroom and scream in my face. He grabbed my arm so hard that he left bruises and cut me with his nails.
 
As I heal through therapy, though police reports and standing up for the girl who was hurt her whole life... as I get better, he gets worse. He does not want me to heal. My healing means that he is losing control over the damaged woman he married. According to him, the issues I'm finally able to confront are making his life worse.
 
I finally let it sink in that I have never had a healthy relationship. I've never been close to anyone that didn't hurt me...
I realized that I have to get out. Dead or alive.
 
I've started to organize my life, get my stuff together, heading for the back door... I put my few valuables in to a safe deposit box, items are stashed at work... just the other day I secured a place to go. A few more details and I will no longer be living here.
 
To escape this cage, this life that is so toxic and bad for me, I first had to separate myself from the things I care about. The items I'm afraid of losing if I have to leave in a hurry. My comfort items and securities. In a way I guess I'm learning how to cope without them...
I'm scared, but at the same time so very excited.



Sailor, what a powerful post. As we heal, we start to see the areas in our lives where the treatment we are receiving is just not good enough, and we start to learn that we deserve to demand better for ourselves. I am sorry that he has hurt you and betrayed your trust in this way. I truly hope that in time, you find yourself with a person who treats you with the love, respect and dignity that you wholeheartedly deserve. 

 

I don't mean to scare you at all, but the time of leaving a partner who has been abusive or displayed abusive tendencies can be one of the most dangerous for the person leaving. Lou, one of our administrators, has a fantastic site called Aphrodite Wounded for survivors of sexual violence at the hands of partners - she has some really helpful info for women to help them stay safe while leaving: http://www.aphrodite....org/leave.html

 

My thoughts are with you. This must be such a scary and overwhelming decision to make, but it sounds to me like you are making them for all the right reasons. Take care of you.

This post completely touched me and was completely powerful. Thank you for posting it. I can see definite similarities to myself (not with my husband necessarily) but I feel as if I can definitely relate to you. I think you are amazingly brave for leaving and doing what is right for you. Please be careful and safe throughout this process and remember to put yourself first in this delicate time.

 

Sitting with you. 

WOW!!! Thank You for posting and sharing, you may not realize it now but you are essentially showing other survivors how important it is to put your safety and needs first. You are setting an example for your toddler as well, he/she should see that it is not ok to be treated poorly in any manner. Im sure you are feeling empowered and frightened all at the same time, a scary time in your life to finally take those first steps. Be PROUD of yourself for taking your life back, be proud you have chosen to "protect" that little girl in all of us and show her what it feels to be safe, protected and ultimately loved. Without love for our self, we can not be loved by others. Sounds so cliché I know, but I am in the process of learning this important life lesson. One that was never taught in my household growing up.
Unfortunately we as abused children do tend to perpetuate the "cycle" of violence (physical, verbal, emotional, etc.) because this is all we know, all we've been taught... and YOU are realizing you are worth more than that, you are a survivor, you are a human being that is worth more than a mere "victim" shoved into a dark corner expected to "stay and be obedient"...
Hats off to you, Your Healing Journey has begun...one step at a time...
You are an amazingly strong women I wish you all the best in this newbegining .

Thank you all so much for commenting... I'm crying as I read your words.

 

He's called me a selfish piece of shit who thinks she's the center of the universe. It kills me to hear those words because that is the last way I ever want anyone to think of me... now that I'm making plans to leave, I have to fight with those words and tell myself that it's ok... I have to put myself and my son first.

 

 

I truly hope that in time, you find yourself with a person who treats you with the love, respect and dignity that you wholeheartedly deserve. 

I keep reading this over and over and it brings me to tears every time. This is something I can't even imagine for myself.

 

 

Unfortunately we as abused children do tend to perpetuate the "cycle" of violence (physical, verbal, emotional, etc.) because this is all we know, all we've been taught... 

 

I took stock of the relationships I once had... there were two genuinely good guys that I was close to, but both times I left them for someone else, someone destructive... I chose pain over love because it was more familiar to me. :(

I wish I were you.  :)

I can't imagine why, Fig. But I'll take it as a compliment.

It is a compliment!  I did exactly what you are doing years and years ago.  In February of 1987, I took my 3 year old son and ran from Washington state to Florida to escape a sack of crap abusive husband.  I was putting up with him, but I had decided I didn't want my son to grow up thinking of that a 'man'. 

 

I wish you the best!  You are a very brave woman.  I don't have the guts to do it again, and I need to.

 

Fig

December 2014

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