I am pleased that I managed to not SH. When DD triggered me, and Manderoo was ready to be punished, Maternal Mand stepped. She comforted and reassured Manderoo. And after several hours, I felt 'safe'. But now.....now I am feeling angry. And I don't 'do' anger. Not really. Because anger=pain and violence and not being safe. So I look to my inner land scape. And all I can see, all I can FUCKING see is The Bad Parent. And their face is red and angry and pushed up against the glass that is in the window of my mind. I can access no other, and the fear is coursing through me as I write this and my heart is racing and I am FUCKING terrified.
I can't believe how frightened I feel, I can't believe the anger I feel. Because The Bad Parent has been thwarted.
I will run and hide. I will be quiet. I will make myself small. I'm sorry daddy, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I did not mean to be bad, please don't hurt me, I'm sorry.