I freaking blew it

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I freaking blew it

13 February 2013

Posted by Littlegirlforgotten

I got plastered. Drank whiskey straight from the bottle. As much as I wanted. I figured I am f***ed up anyway, I might as well, right? I chatted with someone online I did not know and told them I effin wanted to die. I don't remember who it was. I am sure I scared the shit out of them. I think it was some rehab place. GREAAAT! I felt like I Was asleep and then I had a feeling of "coming back to myself." God this is insane. Then, under the same influence, I texted T. Nothing I texted made sense except that I was drinking. My hubby called I don't remember that conversation. He said I sounded normal." Rigghht. Then, I drank even more. I WANT to be totally wasted. I don't want to be here anymore. It's too hard. Too much work. At some point I SIed. My breasts, my arm, my stomach. I am sooo angry. So effin' angry. I want to throw something-dishes, bottles, glasses. Something! Anything! I am dissociated in my state and am saying, make me go away. Drown me away. Throw me away! They should have thrown me away when they could have! I was a burden. An in convenience. Always in the way. Always needing something. I ruined their lives. They said it. I was sick. I should have died. I lived instead and they hated me for it. Later I lived to hear, pain in the a**. Troublemaker. Too needy. Like I did it on purpose just to piss them off. Oh yes, I was that manipulative. I lived for one reason and that was to f*** up your lives!

I WANT To do more damage-serious damage. I don't deserve good things. I don't deserve it! NO! I don't.
Go to hell![/size]

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