Letter to My Mother
I am so angry at you. I am so fucking angry at your. How can you have his photo in your drawer? (That's where it they put his photos when I visit; I appreciate that they do it - it's one of the few things I've asked for and they have been good about it. I found it by accident.) How can you know his children and send them birthdy presents? I know he very likely has never hurt anyone else like he hurt me. So I don't think he needs to be totally condemned or anything.
Goddamit, this isn't about him. And this certainly isn't about me prooving that I am a forgiving and empathetic person to you or myself. This is about how angry I am at you.
For still letting him be in your life. I should be the clear priority here. And I know you'll never love him like you love me. I'm your daughter. It's more than that. He was trouble from day one and hurt you so bad. I guess. Whatever. Your relationship with him is different than you relationship with me and DS.
So I should come first. And more than that, you should be on your knees begging forgiveness from me. I know that sounds mean or arrogant etc. I know. But dammit already. He sexually abused me; in that, I was traumatized by what he did and the effects have been ongoing.
It doesn't matter what he did. It matters that you knew and you saw me develop into a very sad person and you did nothing with your knowledge.
Because *you* couldn't handle it. You have extremely pertinent information regarding my life and development and you see me falling apart and you do nothing with that info.
I understand if I had become a happy, normal teenager that you might not tell me until I was an adult. You were so good about those boundaries in other areas. You told me and DS that you had had abortions when I was 13 and she was 16. That seemed appropriate. It rattled me for a day or two but it came at a time when I was just old enough.
The shame and negativity in which you deliver this sort of information could use some work, but I get that. Pasts are hard. I can understand your negativity and sadness and weakness very well - too well, perhaps. But I don't understand your inaction. I don't understand why you let it swallow you up.
But I am an explored. A revolutionary. A beginner. I am taking us into the new reality. And I'm a Scorpio so I am drawn in by cathartic experiences and painful healing; I don't shy from it.
And I guess that's why I am here. If I lt my mind go for a few moments and believe deeply in all the astrology I have taught myself, I know I am here to make these changes. To wrench myself out of what has been and walk into the new, the waiting, the ready.
So here: I am not not-talking to you because I want revenge. It has never been because I want you to kiss my feet or be humiliated. What I want from you I want because I deserve it, but I also know that your inability to give it to me does not mean I don't actually deserve it. And It also doesn't I need it to move on, to get better, to get healthy.
I thank you for my DS. She is such a blessing to me. I am wrenching myself out of isolation/solitude to feel her love. It's slow-cook. She's not the frying pan I am working with each and every day, but she's the stew on to boil that gets better the longer I let it sit with only occasional attention. Heehee. We are just getting closer. And she's my sister so I have this feeling that the possible depth of our relationship is endless, infinity. There's a trust there that is stronger than anything else. And a trust that has never let me down.
So why does it hurt so much to separate myself from you? To feel confident and secure in my choice to be so out of contact with you? A bit probably because you are my parents, goddammit, and I really would like the support of those people who you are always supposed to fall back on.
But mostly it hurts because I am seeing the situation from the way you portray it. You think you can support me with anything. You think the situation could be just fine. You think mothers and daughters are supposed to be close, and can be, even after SA. I don't know. You have this image of the situation - or I percieve that you do - that casts me in an awkward light for not wanting to talk to you anymore.
But that's me again, isn't it? Maybe you are acting in ways that make me feel this way, but that's my reaction. You aren't even telling me to feel this. You aren't that overt and I don't think you are mean at all. I think you are scared and silent and guarding some injured pride. You aren't trying to hold me back.
So I need to lead; toward a future where I am who I want to be and am free of the darkness that crushes me. I need to lead to save myself (the only life I can save), but I hope and know that you will be changed by my path, too.
No more attachment to this. I am living boldly; why do I attach so many strings? I am doing the correct thing. I am not wasting time. I am exactly who and where I need to be.