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Day 90: "Serenity's a Long Time Comin' to Me, in Fact I Don't Believe I Know What it Means"

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 10 March 2014 · 185 views

Mar. 10, 2014 (19 Days Into Becoming):
Yesterday and today I have felt a sense of calm following writing several intensely painful entries about <trigger warning for all of these linksFF CSA, maternal neglect/rejection, and SA by step-father. I certainly had times of feeling awful as I was writing and after I posted. But, I didn't experience the severe anxiety symptoms that have been with me most of my life. I nearly shed a tear a couple times, but I did not have the wretched abdominal pain, the dizziness, the cramped shoulder and back muscles. Three days ago I did experience pain, numbness, and weakness in my right arm. But, it seemed the more I kept writing, the better the symptoms got. Maybe that was a coincidence.
Also this week I have faced the problem of discovering I effectively did not have health insurance. I was facing thousands of dollars of unpaid medical bills because of a mistake by my former employer.
Today I received a letter from my former insurance saying they were indeed covering me. I can bill them for the months of November and December.
Posted Image Posted Image  Thank heavens!
I have therapy on Thursday. I don't know what I'll talk about. I don't yet know how I'm going to get inside and unearth the emotions attached to everything I have written about over these 90 days.
For the moment I am having a bit of a rest. I have reached a plateau along the climb. I am sitting on the grass looking out across the valley. It feels like I have come a long way. I don't know how much further I have to go, but I can see the path behind me trailing down and away for miles and miles into the horizon.
This reminds me of a John Denver song. Even though the lyrics are melancholy, the sense of peacefulness is clear. I think I am feeling a little melancholy while also feeling this moment of respite.

The sun is slowly fadin' in the western sky.
Sometimes it take forever the day to end.
Sometimes it takes a lifetime, sometimes I think I'll never see the sun again.
There's a heavy smog between me and the mountain.
It's enough to make a grown man sit and cry.
It's enough to make you wonder, it's enough to make the world roll up and die.
I think it's kind of interesting the way things get to me,
the way that people work with their machines.
Serenity's a long time comin' to me. In fact I don't believe I know what it means.
In the east a shaded moon is hangin' lazily.
I do believe I saw the old man smile.
I do believe I did. I do believe he's been laughin' all the while.
I think it's kind of interesting the way things get to me,
the way that people work with their machines.
Serenity's a long time comin' to me. In fact I don't believe I know what it means, anymore.
The sun is slowly facing in the western sky.
Sometimes it takes forever the day to end.
Sometimes it takes a lifetime, sometimes I think I'll never see the sun again, the sun again . . . the sun again.

Mar 12 2014 11:06 AM

Such good news about the insurance.  I'm so happy for you.  :)  You've tackled so much in the past few weeks.  It's ok if it takes a while to process it all in T.



Mar 12 2014 12:23 PM

Yarn, I have thought about going to my therapist and asking to back up to the beginning of my blog and work our way forward. I have unearthed a fair number of issues that I think need to be explored.


I hesitate to do this, as I am feeling a subtle resistance. Will my T allow this? Will she think I'm trying to stop my progress? Will she think I'm just being dramatic?




I know what I would say to someone else in this situation. The only way to know is to ask.



About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

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The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


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