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No Statute of Limitations

Posted by TinaL , 05 September 2013 · 243 views

There is no statute of limitations to revealing sexual abuse.

I was 11 years old when I was molested by my father. My step sister was also molested.

I am 46 year old now. I didn't confront my father until I was 45. It took 34 years to finally tell the truth of what this man is capable of.

I lived with the pain of this memory (amongst others) and kind of filed it away in a dark place in my heart. I kept on playing the 'good daughter' for so many years. I kept up a superficial relationship with this man out of respect for the fact that he was my father. It is funny how you can exhibit more respect for a sexual abuser than they every showed to you. I guess it is that inbuilt respect you have for your parents.

It wasn't until something triggered me (my partner made a comment that crushed me and brought back all those fears) that I decided that this has to be addressed. It was affecting our relationship and I knew that if I didn't face this, it was going to tear us apart. I went to counseling and she told me I had to confront my father. I was terrified.

He was always a very domineering man. You could never disagree with him. His second wife had confided in me years ago, that some inappropriate things had occurred with her daughter. She didn't have the strength to face him and remove her daughter from further harm. They would always be a united front against me while growing up. I was sure I was going to be crucified when I revealed the abuse.

Anyway, physically shaking, I phoned him (he lives a few hours away and I didn't want to see him in person at all). I wrote out on paper all the points I needed to say to him. He listened and declared he had no memory of the molestation. He said he had to go and talk to his wife.

Well, surprisingly, he phoned me back and said that his wife confirmed all that I had said. I cried when I heard that message. I didn't expect that sort of confirmation.

He said that he was so sorry for all the damage he had done. I don't care. I will not politely respond to his apologies because so much damage has occurred, something I have had to integrate into my life for so many years. I will not forgive him. There are some things in life that are unforgivable. I looked up a sexual abuse site and realised I had lived for years with 8 out of 11 negative effects that abuse can cause you. (anxiety, depression, low self esteem, protective behaviours etc) I chose to continue some further contact with him via email as I wanted time to think about what I wanted to say and to have it in writing so he could reread it at his leisure.

I did this and told him all I needed (at the time) to say. I have no further contact with this person. He is not worthy of being acknowledged as my father. He didn't act as a good father should. He violated a very sacred bond between father and daughter and in doing so, had no right to be regarded with any respect. I was very protective of my two children and never allowed them to be alone with him at all. We only visited him and his wife a few times and I was always there to protect my kids. I am glad of that.

He is not worthy of being in my life, no matter how 'sorry' he is. He is not worthy of being a grandfather too. When you sexually abuse your own daughter, you give up that right. To be sexually abused by your own father, your own blood, is a terrible burden to bear. As a little girl, I lost my father. He was no longer my protector. He was the 'boogie man' that we should all look out for. Yet, he was in my home.

I have gone through hell trying to integrate this abuse into my life. The longterm affects have been very firmly implanted and I struggle to try to 'reinvent' myself, slotting the sexual/emotional abuse into a space that I can live with. I continue this endeavour.


So, I guess I wanted to say, no matter how many years have passed since the abuse, it can still affect you deeply. But, there is hope. I have made some progress and will continue to fight the good fight to reclaim myself.

I applaud all the abuse survivors for fighting the good fight. We didn't cause this. We didn't ask for this and yet we deal with it.

I am strong. I have had to be. I know there are many strong women and men out there.

We can do this.

Tina.



:metoyou:
:metoyou:
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yarnfoolishness
Sep 05 2013 01:30 PM
:metoyou:
I am a CSA survivor from an evil stepfather and a female cousin. I too strived all my life to be the good daughter, the good mother, the good employee, the good wife/girlfriend, the good friend and anything else I needed to be good at.

I had to face my demons when I finally had a mental breakdown and failing health issues. All this resulting from CSA issues in false beliefs.

I refuse to forgive the evil stepfather yet am sorry I never got any closure with him and as far as I know he got away with being a pedophile. May he burn in hell for all eternity.

Thank you for sharing as I related to all you said and healing is possible.

Take good care of you :metoyou:
GOOD FOR YOU! :metoyou:
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CountingStars
Sep 07 2013 04:27 PM
Your children are lucky to have such a lovely mother, good for you, good luck with the future. :metoyou:

:metoyou:/>

Thank you Ravel for your acknowledgement. I hope you are going ok! :)

:metoyou:/>


Thank you Susanna for reading my blog. I am here if you need to talk. :)

I am a CSA survivor from an evil stepfather and a female cousin. I too strived all my life to be the good daughter, the good mother, the good employee, the good wife/girlfriend, the good friend and anything else I needed to be good at.I had to face my demons when I finally had a mental breakdown and failing health issues. All this resulting from CSA issues in false beliefs.I refuse to forgive the evil stepfather yet am sorry I never got any closure with him and as far as I know he got away with being a pedophile. May he burn in hell for all eternity.Thank you for sharing as I related to all you said and healing is possible.Take good care of you :metoyou:/>


Hi Bellachai,

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.

I am very sorry you were abused by your stepfather and cousin. Yes, isn't it funny how we strive to be the good 'everything' in our lives. Mother, daughter, wife, employee etc. Of course part of that is just being a decent person in life, displaying good morals towards those we love especially. Nothing wrong with that. Sexual abuse survivors know how dark some people can be, and I do believe that because of that example we have been given, we strive to be better than those abusers. I guess the hard part is when we continue the 'good' front towards those who do not deserve our respect. Hey, it took me 34 years to break through that conditioning!(Hey, I'm a slow learner! lol)

I don't blame you for not forgiving the stepfather for what he did. Basically, because what he has done is unforgivable. It rocks you to the core and stays deep inside you until, as you experienced, it does eventually come up to the surface after being buried for so long. I am sorry you had a mental breakdown, but, you know what? Maybe that had to happen to allow you to find your truth and voice it. You were so strong for so long, but eventually you had to let your hurt out. The strong always fall the hardest!

I am assuming from what you wrote (correct me if I am wrong), that the stepfather is deceased and you didn't get a chance to confront him and get closure? If that is the case, I can understand your frustration on not being able to do that. I have been told about some closure techniques that involve writing a letter to the abuser voicing all your hurt and anger, letting out all that you need to say. Then, when you have gotten out all you wanted to say, burn the letter,representing a way of extinguishing the pain and starting on the road to healing. Apparently, this is important symbolically to the subconscious where a lot of our pain and conditioned feelings reside. Physically doing this act breaks through from the subconscious to the conscious, helping to start breaking up our negative conditioning. I haven't done this yet, but would like to do this in the future as part of my healing. Is that something you would like to try too?

And something else I was thinking about what you said. You mentioned how he got away with being a pedophile. Yes, he hasn't been confronted in this life and wasn't punished for what he did. (at least legally) But....you have started to find your strength. You are naming this person and what he did. He won't hear it but other people will. You are telling the truth. You are confronting what happened and whomever you tell this truth to, will never think of this person the same again.

To tell your truth takes immense courage. You and I are courageous.

You go girl!

Tina. :)

:metoyou:/>


Thank you for reading my blog. I hope all is going ok for you! :)

Your children are lucky to have such a lovely mother, good for you, good luck with the future. :metoyou:/>



Thank you for saying that. I have tried to be a good mother. Not perfect of course! One good thing that comes out of this mess is I think most abuse survivors try extra hard to be good and protective parents to their own children. We are aware of how damaging parents can be to their children and take this as an example of not how to be. Take care. T. :)
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Sunshineonme
Oct 05 2014 12:25 AM

Hi TinaL,

Im very sorry for all that you suffered. i think you are very brave and an inspiration. i wish one day to be also healed. safe hugs if ok

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